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Sunday, July 8, 2007

Hello, Goodbye....

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This is my sign off from Blush and my invite to Blush Take2 I'm not the best at sticking to a point so I made some changes and realized I need a fresh start please
come visit me at my new home!

BlushTake2

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Fighting My Way Through The Darkness

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In the last twenty four hours I've felt my emotions rise and drop more times than I care to count and the numbers are still rising. Old friends, new friends, nostalgia, throw some liquor and some chinese food on top of all that and you've got me whimpering in my sleep. Yeah, I'm overloaded, I can go from point a to b to z and back to b again and again. But I can never seem to find the point that I know in my heart is right for me.I know what I need but I seem to be lost in a web of could haves and would haves and should haves. What would have happened if I hadn't said this to this person on this certain day on this certain time and would I be sitting here right now at all? I can't live with the reality that I have created for myself and the path I need to forge for myself seems to tricky to navigate right now so I'm laying in wait. But I can't do that much longer. Prince Charming isn't coming and I don't have a glass slipper, I've realized my fate is my own and at some point very soon time is going to catch up to me and I am going to have to own my actions and more importantly my feelings. I'm lost in transition, but not forgotten. I'll keep you posted.... Read more! Read more!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Dealing Versus Coping .......What's The Bigger Deal?

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Yesterday I wrote about coping techniques, i.e. my ever growing shoe collection. The latest addition to to the collection that threatens to take over my bedrom was a pair of jellies that cost me $2.50 at Target. There really is no relevance to me talking about jellies I'm just a tad bit curious if anyone else remembers them. Before I begin to ramble I am going to cut myself off and get to the point of my post, coping versus dealing or are they the same thing? Have I hit a good point yet?
You can cope with something in numerous ways, for me I shop or I cut my hair or dye it or in an extreme case of insanity I wind up with a tattoo or piercing because some guy that I was in love with has broken up with me and I feel it is necessary to mark something on my body, I make no claims to be normal. But how do we deal with things? I'm leaning towards the fact that coping and dealing are not the same.
In the matter of failed relationships coping seems to be the first step. Now ice cream and tequila come in handy at this stage, well not together of course. Then there is the infamous obligatory three am drunken text messaging session which usually follows the tequila. If you're lucky enough you have a best friend to pry the phone out of your feeble little hands. This is what I call coping, you can't deal with it so you cover it up with anything and everything possible, including that guys tongue that you just met at that sleazy bar Tuesday night.
Dealing, well that's different. I'm not real good with dealing cause dealing hurts much more. Coping is easy it's like putting a band aid on and forgetting about it, dealing is like ripping off he band aid and exposing that wound. Dealing is crying in the middle of the night when you realize there's no point in calling or texting anymore, when you realize that you are alone, that you're not going to get back together with this person, that you have to start over and most importantly that you're going to be ok.
I feel like I lost my point somewhere. I'm trying to understand the difference between dealing and coping myself and its not always easy. But I think its important.I hope I could shine some light on this topic for anyone else. Feedback would always be helpful.
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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Ok, so I lied, again.....

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Yes, I know I said I would post yesterday. Now this probably doesn't mean a great deal to anyone else but me, but I guess I'm a bit sensitive. I feel the need to focus on my obsessions again which could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Notice once again I'm showing a picture of a shoe. Well this time I have a point. I buy shoes for a reason, other than the obvious. I guess shopping has become my therapy, especially lately.
I've wound up with so many pairs of shoes simply because shopping eases my discomfort or pain when I can't cope with life. In a way it's probably healthier than a lot of addictions, but it's beginning to become rather costly. But what am I to do. Thing's just aren't turning out the way I expected and in turn I'm going broke.
I'm listening to the Greg Behrendt show as I write this and they are talking about how men and women communicate and it got me thinking about more than shoes. It got me thinking about how it can be so easy to break a relationship and so hard to make one. On top of that who's fault is it really, it's easy to place blame on one person and it's easy to take the blame but I don't know if that's really fair.
I'm exhausted over the whole process of trying to make a relationship work and I wonder if it's worth it. How long does a person try for before they give up, and how much can one person take? When it starts to become a personal attack against you is that too much to take? What are the boundaries, I really don't know. I feel as if I am being told I am the problem but still I feel hurt. On top of it I don't even know how to fight back, I want to know if other people have felt this way or if this is something exclusive to me, something tells me it's not. Confusion, I just don't understand anything at this point and somehow shoe shopping is helping me cope. I wish I could help someone else and be useful but I'm afraid I can't even help myself at this point.
Is communication that difficult, is there some sort of male/female barrier that makes it impossible? Or am I just stuck and don't know where to go? I hope I am making some sense. Thank you to anyone that reads this, I'm off to hopefully have a peaceful day. Take care everyone!
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Monday, June 18, 2007

Round Three....

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I took a bit of a hiatus, or something of the sort. I guess the obvious answer would be I got a bit busy and slacked a bit on the blog posting but this is my official "I'm back" post. I promise more content later in the day as soon as I figure out just what that content will be until then anyone reading this is left with, well, just this. I will be back. Read more! Read more!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I'll Be Your Good Luck Charm, Well Maybe Not Me But These Will

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Santitas Bahia Charm Bangles
I could use all the good luck I can get these days and these were too good to pass up. I thought I would pass these on for anyone else who could use a good luck charm. Silly as it seems I still hold on to the notion of luck. Sometimes it even seems to work for me. Maybe it's all in my head, maybe it's the power of positive thinking. Who really knows, maybe we can talk ourselves out of a situation. It seems we can talk ourselves into one, why not out of it? It always seems easier to fall into a trap than get out of one. It seems we would have to chew our own arm off to get away from something, but that is entirely off the topic of luck. I just wanted to pass along what I perceived as a good luck charm to anyone who may need a bit of luck in their lives. Here is an example, I hope you can find your own luck and maybe I'll find mine. Read more! Read more!

If I Were A Scale And Somebody Has A Weight I Might Just Tip

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I know, I know and if you give a mouse a cookie he may just ask for a glass of milk. If he knew what was good for him he'd ask for a jack and coke, hold the coke. I'm feeling a bit rambunctious tonight does anyone want to throw that extra weight on there? Actually what I was really referring to was the temptation to begin to write about the drama of the celebrity world. I just got through reading the "heart wrenching" saga of Paris Hilton. Which I believe is turning into the longest running soap opera ever. Give me a break seriously. If I even began to start with my life story it would be a hell of a lot more interesting that her little sob story.
Point is I'm just a regular person, but what really is regular? When we are little kids and in school isn't the teacher always telling us that we are special? Aren't out mommies and daddy's telling us that we are special? Granted we aren't abused and we come from decent families. So why is it that when we become adults we have to put with this nonsense that there is a line drawn that seperates people from one another. I fear I am becoming a little idealistic with this post but bear with me. I'm also afraid the inner hippie in me is coming out and I may have to dig out the birkenstocks and tye dye t shirts.
Money is the bottom line, you know that, I know that. Paris Hilton sitting in her cell refusing to eat peas knows that. What do we do with it though? I've been bothered the las couple of days by the fact that there never is enough money, I really should be used to this, but I'm not, maybe I never will be. I don't want to famous, I don't want to be a celebrity. Truthfully, I don't think I even know what I want.
Money cannot buy happiness, it cannot buy love, but it sure can help. It sure cann manipulate and coerce and control people. It drives people, it moves people and it destroys people. Wanting and needing are two different things and I don't know if me or anyone else knows how to differentiate.
I guess that where I was going with all this is that I feel stuck because I don't have everything I want and I don't think its completely due to money or the lack thereof. I like to laugh when someone famous and with a lot of money gets stuck doing something that they can't stand because how many times would I have liked to have had the money to buy my way out of something instead of just having to bite the bullet. Or been able to have something I really wanted or give someone I love something they really wanted.
I don't think there's an answer that will make me happy so I do my best to suck it up and laugh once in awhile cause right its just money and fame and the thought of Paris Hilton in jail is way too good to pass up, way too good!
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Monday, June 11, 2007

Are Diamond's Really A Girls Best Friend, Only When She's Not The One Losing Her Hand Over It

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fake diamond ring: danielle maveal


I went to an art fair yesterday and I was slightly disappointed. It was the Old Town Art fair in Chicago and I have been going for about six or seven years now. Although this year it was extremely different from all the other years I have been there and I was slightly disappointed. There was lots of expensive art that I could just not get into. I bring this up because the picture on my post is obviously someone's artistic version of a diamond. I have mixed feelings about it. (via highkick)



Diamond's conjure up all sorts of different feelings. The first most obvious feeling I can associate with a diamond is the engagement ring. Most girls wait forever to receive this coveted prize. The bigger the better, at least that's how I think it goes since I haven't put much thought into it. Ok that's a total and blatant lie. I have pictures in my drawer of what I want mine to look like although the prospects of me getting engaged and married are extremely slim to none at this point in time.
The social meaning behind a diamond is very apparent after all a diamond is forever right? Well not in this day and age, what does a diamond really mean anyways? Plus now women are buying their own "right hand" rings taking the association of a diamond away.
Then there's the dark side of the diamond industry. This put chills down my spine when I learned of it. I don't really completely understand everything so I don't want to open my mouth about things I don't completely understand but all I know is that there are people being murdered and abused and all sorts of horrible things under the rule of horrible people all so that we can have our diamonds, something seems right about that to me. No, not seems, I know something is wrong about that.
It makes me not want to promote that industry at all. Yet there's still the allure, it's as if I am so attracted to the bling of a diamond yet I know how corrupt the industry is and how I want to turn a blind eye but I know I can't. Sometimes I wish I was born without a conscience, maybe that's not exactly how I should word it or what exactly I mean but I think anyone reading this would know exactly what I meant by that.
What do you do when you know that horrible things are going on but they are so far out of your grasp that you really cannot do anything to stop them? Do you turn a blind eye, do you walk the other way? It's almost like how do you choose your battles, where do you fight and where do you sit on the sidelines? There's tough questions out there and they don't get easier as you get older I'm learning.
Well those "diamonds" are nice, in a metal kind of way! Maybe I'll stick to those and I don't have to feel any guilt about them. Decisions get tougher and tougher. I don't think I have any answers for anything right now. I just have to keep on letting my brain run and keep on going. That's my thoughts for now. Hopefully I got someone thinking about something.
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Sunday, June 10, 2007

My Good Mood Sunday Morning Sing Along

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It's a beautiful Sunday morning here in Chicago and I wanted to pass on my good mood to everyone, hope you are having a good day!

Happy Sunday Everyone!

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Where Exactly is the Focus?

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As if my mind isn't running on overdrive enough as it is already I am finding my writing has becoming more and more cluttered. I can't seem to find a focus here and my efforts to keep on a topic of interest are becoming less than triumphant. I don't care to write about Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan and I really could care less if they spend the rest of their lives behind bars. I don't want to delve any more into my own personal life but it's as my mind cannot seem to find anything to write of or speak of lately. I'm sure there are some topics out there that interest me but it seems as if I am writing about what I cannot write about which seems horribly boring and mundane. I've really begun to consider if that is just a reflection of my personality. I wonder if I could write sweeping editorials that would wow people, amazing stories about social injustice and political debate but the truth is I can't bring myself to care. The closest I came was my personal account about the homeless man and the wine sampling. For some reason that struck a nerve with me and I was able to be passionate about that. For everything else I seem to lack enthusiasm and truth be told that frightens me, not just a little but a lot, in fact a great big deal. It even keeps me up at night. I've dreamed of being a writer, of having an advice column of writing articles on relationships and being knowledgeable but it seems I can't even seem to find my way on a simple blog. I've been told over and over how well I write but it seems to be that I have fallen into an enormous case of writers block and I cannot seem to dig my way out of it, except to complain like I am doing now. My biggest fear is that I am just plain uninteresting. I want to write things that people find interesting and helpful and can connect with and I just don't see how me talking about my life is at all helpful. So I complain, again, and again and again. Maybe this is some sort of growing experience and I am just not seeing it right now, hopefully that is the case. Any feedback, anybody??? Read more! Read more!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

In All Attempts To Keep Things In Running Order

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I really don't even want to write right now, but I feel an obligation to do so. I promised myself that I would not neglect this blog as I have done so with others in the past. Regardless of whether people read this or not it is important to me that I keep writing on here, so write I will. I go to great lengths to not go on and on about my personal relationships and not to delve into boring details but its almost as if I need to open up so here goes nothing. I've been rather abstract the last two weeks or so in my posts as I've tried to write about my relationship and how it's been suffering. I've tried to turn it into advice that may been useful to others. I've tried very hard to turn my pain into something that anyone reading it could possibly benefit from. Maybe because I first of all am private about my own life and second of all because I don't like to dwell on things and I like to try to find a use for everything. Right now though I am so overwhelmed that I can't help but bare my soul. I entered into this relationship almost a year ago with absolutely no expectations whatsoever, I was purely along for the ride. I had been hurt so bad in my last relationship that I never ever thought I could be happy with any guy ever again, but I was wrong. I soon found myself so happy and so in love I could barely believe it. It was like my world had changed. Little did I know it wouldn't last and so here I am sitting here absolutely heart broken that we can't seem to make this work and worse yet that he seems to see me as the main cause. I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe I'm hoping that seeing it on the screen will make it more real and I can accept it. I feel so alone and so lost. I just needed to post something and this is all I can think about. I'm sorry that I don't have anything better to say but I didn't want to not leave anything, me writing something is very important to me even if it's trivial. So thanks to anyone who actually read all this. Read more! Read more!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

The Bases Are Loaded, I'm on Third Headed for Home In A Game I Didn't Really Wan't To Play

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Batter up, it's summer and baseball's in full swing and apparently so am I. But I've somehow signed up for games I don't want to play. Yep, that's right somehow I'm standing on third with the bases loaded and the pitcher's about to throw the ball. What choice to I have but to run and slide into home? I don't want to do it, I never wanted to play this game anyway, but I did. So like any ball player I'm gonna suck it up and play. Headed straight for that plate, headfirst into the dirt and hopefully I'll come up ok.
If this metaphor is leaving you confused don't worry I'm just as confused and trying to ease my mind. I've never actually slid into home plate but I think I'm about to and no I am not making a sexual reference in any way shape or form, that would be so much easier to explain.
I'm trapped just as if I were on third base and had no where to run but home, except its not my home and not my situation and not my problem. I feel as if my life has swung in a direction I can't control and all I can do is hold on and hope it ends up alright. And run, run for home even though I don't want to, but I guess I have to because sometimes we sign up for things that we didn't expect and the end results are different and now here we are sliding headfirst into the unknown. Will we be safe or will we be out? Will we win the game or will we go home second place? Where am I going? I can't stand on third forever and that pitcher is getting ready to throw and that batter is going to hit that ball and I have to run, because if I don't, well then, I suppose everyone else would just crash into me. You can't stand still, we move in life for a reason and that's what I have to do. If my baseball metaphor seems a bit scattered excuse me I'm running on lack of sleep and food and I've seen too many Cubs games and scores lately and everything is running together. Strike one, there won't be a strike two, I'm going to play now.
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The River Does Run Wild Apparently Or So I Think.....

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Ok, I survived the outdoors. As if anyone was concerned that I really wouldn't make it. Here I go back into that valley girl tone again, I'm really trying to cut that out, really I am. It's worse than smoking or so I hear. Eight miles, one canoe and two kayaks and the process of me falling into the river three times I managed to come up, well soaking wet. I really don't think water sports are my thing. Or sports in general. But I tried it and thats what matters, right, right? Someone agree with me. Ok anyways, I'm home and I'm tan and I'm happy. Very tired but happy and I'm going to go on and write about something interesting now. Read more! Read more!

Saturday, June 2, 2007

To Love Or Be Loved? We Really Should Do Away With Such Questions

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I realized that over the last week or so I've begun to come full circle on the relationship wheel. It's as if I've crashed and burned and then crashed and burned again and now I'm at point A again. So now the logical part of me realizes maybe that isn't quite full circle. I would like to believe it is though, I would like to believe I have something to offer the world in terms of relationship advice but I'm afraid I probably don't. I realize that I'm just twenty three years old and I don't know all that much about life or love or anything of the sort, but there are things I do know.
I traveled to England and France when I was eighteen and I was first introduced to the Love Is... comics in Paris's equivalent to the Subway. Touched by their simplicity and their honesty I took something out of that experience and it's stayed with me ever since.
Once again I really feel as if I don't know where to step and where to fall. At time I have felt so worldly and so on cue with the things going on around me. Then there are those times when that person or that thing can just knock the wind out of you and everything is out of place.
I think my point here is I don't know what love is, I don't know what its boundaries are, I don't know what it accepts, I don't know what it rejects. I don't know what it looks like and sometimes I'm not sure what it feels like. I know it's often hard to even say you love someone but sometimes I'm not even sure about that. Sometimes I wonder what the weight of our words are and what they carry. I just plain wonder.
It can be so easy to fall in love and often times harder to fall out of love. It's often times harder to talk about these things. I just wish there was an easy answer for a complicated thing, but that would be too easy. Besides I don't like things that are easy anyways. I think I'm running out of steam so I should end this. If you need a little reminder about the simplicity of love check out the Love Is page it puts a lot back into perspective.
Love Is...
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Sometimes I Wonder If I'm A Valley Girl Without Her Valley

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I am leaving the cave of my apartment for a few days to go on a bit of an adventure, which does mean prying myself away from this screen. I'd like to think I can get back to that place that I like to call the "real world" and no I don't mean the reality show. I've packed up my stuff and I'm headed off. I think a clearing of my head is in order. I'm starting to feel as if my life is in slow motion which I'm realizing as I write this is not the bad thing that I was thinking it was. Maybe it's just the lazy days of summer creeping up on me or maybe it's just me relaxing long enough to let myself breathe. Whatever it is I like it, it's as if I've finally cut myself a break and I can just be. I just hope this doesn't become the calm before the storm. I try to stay upbeat in my journal entries but sometimes my sarcasm just weasels its way in and I can't help myself so bear with me. Then again sometimes I can lose myself in a metaphor and I can't remember exactly where I was going to begin with anyways. I try to write things that other people would want to read, but then I remember that sometimes I have to write for me and if someone else finds it interesting they hey we both win. I don't really know if my life is interesting, I don't know if anyone's life is interesting, I've never idolized anyone, never, not in my whole life. I've never looked up to anyone, which as I write it I feel like it makes me look bad. As if I have no ideals, no goals, no ambitions. I just have always strived to be me and be who I am and to not be generic. Although one of my biggest fears is that I will become generic and I will be like everyone else because when you look at me I look just the same as anyone, but I think I'm not. I couldn't explain to you why I'm not and I really don't know why I'm sitting here writing about me. I could write about the war or AIDS or famine and poverty and trouble in the middle east but I write about me, just me. That makes me feel self centered and small and petty. Sometimes I don't know any better and sometimes I do. I feel I could do so much if I just knew how. Or if I just had the nerve to step over that imaginary line holding me back. Does anyone know that line I'm talking about? If I could just break out of this mold, if only.....if only..... Read more! Read more!

Friday, June 1, 2007

Glimpses of the past more like audio clips ringing through my ears

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I had some time to kill yesterday so I was wandering through some stores in my neighborhood. I went into this one store and I really cannot remember the name of it as I write this post. It was kind of a punk type store which was not unusual for the neighborhood I was in. Lots of skater stuff, stickers, postcards and the like. But what caught my attention was the music blaring out of the speakers. I heard a tune I hadn't heard in years and it brought me back in time. Now I really cannot remember the name of the song and I'm a bit blurry on who sings it. I'm torn between if it was Alkaline Trio or some local band whose singer I was in love with back when I was eighteen.
All I know is that it brought me back in time. Back to a place when I want to say life was simple, although it really wasn't. I kind of feel as if I am the narrator for the Wonder Years and I am looking back on my life to a soundtrack of music. This one song has brought me so far back even though it's only about five years. I can't believe I was that young and that impressionable and that fascinated with bands and people and places. If only that was me now.
Yet, I would never want to go back to that place. I really like the person I have become and I would never want to be eighteen again. Although I mentioned before some of the memories I have are turbulent some of them are bittersweet. Crushing on a boy in a band, late night phone calls, music that depicts your life. The good and the bad balanced each other out.
Now my life is more realistic and much more adult. It's like that music brought me back to a place where I still had a bit of childhood left in me and a bit of a yearning to be an adult. It was a stepping stone to where I am now.
It's nice to walk down memory lane once in awhile, but I would never go back. I like being an adult and I think I'll stay here, not as if I had a choice. Thank you's go out to that unknown store and that unknown band for giving me a bit of a memory. It made me realize just how far I've come and how far I can go. Read more! Read more!

Summertime........almost

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Well, I know I've been plugging summer for awhile but today is June first and that's pretty much officially summer for me. I couldn't be more excited. I'm really ready for this. I have about two months till I start school and I have to admit I'm a bit nervous . about that. The schedule starts early, eight thirty a.m to be exact, that's pretty early for me. Oh, well I suppose I shall get used to it. THere is really not a whole lot else for me to journal about today. Errands to run, places to go, people to see. I must be on my way. More later..... Read more! Read more!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

I've Had It With The WIne When The Social Politics Are Ringing In My Ears

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I've complained about my job on here before and I'm afraid that's all I've done is complain, well I've had it and I'm done with it. I experienced a bit of a social issue that led me to the end of it. Now I'm fully aware of the fact that other people might find this a bit over the top and a bit self righteous but something about the incident last week just pushed my buttons. Maybe the fact that I still don't understand everything about city life got to me. Or maybe the fact that it made me feel incompetent or maybe just the fact that I feel I did nothing wrong. Or maybe it's just simply the fact that I kind of like to stir things up, but here it is, it went down like this, whether you think I overreacted or not, this is what happened. As a disclaimer this certainly is not the only reason why I chose to leave this job, it is simply the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was innocently pouring wine when a man came up to me and asked for a sample, he looked a bit "weathered" but in the store I usually work in that is not the least bit uncommon. So I poured him a sample as he was well over twenty one and I saw nothing wrong with it. He walked away and I did not see him again. About twenty minutes later I start seeing armed police officers patrolling the store and suddenly a security guard comes up to me and I realize that something wasn't right about him. The security guard tells me that this man was a homeless man and I cannot give him samples. More accurately I am to ask him for ID and then deny him a sample. Wait, stop.
I was trained to give samples to anyone CLEARLY over twenty one that is not intoxicated. Now, I'm sure anyone reading this is thinking "what an idiot how did you not know he was homeless?" Honestly, I kind of figured it out immediately after the fact, but I could not come up with a reason to deny him a sample, it was free and he's legally over twenty one.
Now I'm so sure someone can argue this with me, "he probably is an alcoholic" "he doesn't need the alcohol" "drain on society" and so on and so forth. I'm still subscribing to the school of thought that people are equal and I can't replace the nagging feeling that I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he was an alcoholic but who am I to tell him he can't drink? Who are any of us to tell other people when and how tto stop our addictions?
I'm not really sure why I'm bothered by this and this is certainly not the only reason why I'm not doing this job anymore but it really got to me. Who is the better person and who gets to tell others how to control their vices? All this trouble for an ounce of wine seems unneccesary. Maybe I'm young and I just don't understand and anyone that wants to explain it to me please do because if there is something I'm missing I really would like to know. I'm just sitting over here lost in thought and confused about how we treat people who we should really be helping instead of shunning and isolating. That's my thoughts for the day.
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I May Not Have Dolls To Dress Up But The Internet Seems To Have Found A Remedy For This

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I swore I was done with the dollz, but inside every adult woman, there is a little girl dying to play dress up and today my inner girl came out.

I don't have actual dolls anymore to dress in fancy clothes but it seems that technology, has a remedy for that, like it has for many things. You can visit dollzmania.net and create a very own doll of your own. With it's customizable drop and click doll maker making your very own doll is just a few clicks away. From preppy to gothic the possibilities are endless and all they ask of you is that you provide a link back to their site. I had discovered this trend a few years back but upon revisiting it this morning I learned that it is still going strong. I really had despised it until this morning when I realized there is a certain therapy and creativity in creating something even if it is on a computer screen. Why you can even create a doll in your likeness to use as your icon or on your own blog or website. Like I said before the possibilities really are endless. Now that I am hooked on it again I'm sure I will be creating more dollz than I can possibly imagine. Plus saving them is easy as you can download them right to your computer with no problems at all so you do not have to worry about losing your work. Simple, cute and a little bit of fun. Formerly reserved for the teenage crowd I think everyone could get a little smile out of these dollz, I know I did. Once again these can be found at dollzmania.net Read more! Read more!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Confessions from the Dental Chair

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Today I went into the oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. It was really nothing too extreme but it sparked some revelations that can only be described in the following manner. Since this was just a standard extraction I was referred to the oral surgeon only because I have a problem keeping my mouth open, that's a really funny thought to anyone that knows me because I'm sure they will tell you my problem is just the opposite. So it was determined that I was to undergo the procedure under anesthesia and thus my story begins.
I had to be placed under anesthesia just to remove the troublesome tooth and I was a bit uncomfortable with this idea. I had little time to be uncomfortable although because before I knew it the IV drip was in my arm and the oxygen mask was over my face. I was never fully under because I can remember most details of the surgery, feeling no pain and only pressure it was not an uncomfortable experience and my time spent in the dentist's chair was not all that uncomfortable or painful.
I spent the rest of the day laying on the couch watching HGTV and re runs of whatever tv shows I could find on daytime television. I've been eating lots of ice cream and butterscotch pudding as I've been told this will be easy on my sore mouth. I have to admit that I was scared of getting this tooth pulled. I think I was more scared of the unknown, which is a common theme among the human race. But I faced it, well more or less I was thrown into it and I survived. It's been a long day and I made it through somehow.
From the dentist's chair back to my chair I've learned that I can be a grown up and still be scared and I can get through things and be ok all at the same time. If that last sentence made any sense at all! Maybe this will be of use for things in the future, maybe it won't, whatever it was it was a good day and my mouth will heal and I will heal and be good as new in no time at all. Hopefully soon because I would really, really like some solid food!
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

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Now that Memorial Day Weekend is over that means summer is officially here, what best to bring in summer than some cute summer fashions. The main theme around fashion this year is versatility and both of the pieces shown above display this. The blue jumper is a perfect example. You can dress it down with a pair of flip flops or wedges and you've got the perfect beach outfit. Or even by day you can hit the streets in this cute little number. But then take a killer pair of heels and some awesome jewelry and you're ready to paint the town red at night. Same goes for the dress. Dress it town by day with those trusty flip flops and dress it up by night with those great heels you've been dying to wear and you've got tons of versatility packed into two little outfits. Best of all they are easy to pack so they will go with you wherever you are traveling this summer! Happy shopping!

Blue Jumper $40 lulusfashionlounge.com
Red Trapeze Dress $36.50-$38.50 www.alloy.com

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The Journal Of Carolyn D.

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Tuesday, the fan's making the same peculiar noise it always makes. The scene has not really changed too much. Sleep came easy last night. Exhaustion had set it and my eyes could not stay awake. I waited for the tears to come but they wouldn't. So I slept and he stayed. The overwhelming grief that had encompassed me before was now filled with something even worse but I don't know yet what it is.
Awake I am now, waiting. watching. Too tired to clean, too awake to just sit. Not knowing where I'm going, not certain where I've been. Longing for something I can never have. Scared. Lonely. Sad. This is my journal.
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Sunday, May 27, 2007

What Do You Do When Someone Leaves You A Have A Nice Life Note On Your Bedroom Floor?

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I awoke to one such note and unanswered phone calls so what did I do, simple I made a slide show click here for it, sorry for the lack of content today simply not in the mood.

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Saturday, May 26, 2007

How I can Relate My Love Life To Shoes and Other Myths They Taught Me In College

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I'm really having a blast with these images of cartoon women, ok having a blast would be a highly overrated term there. I think I'm using them as therapy. I'm not sure if it's an ineffective method or not, I'll let you know in four to six weeks. It's about one thirty in the morning and I couldn't be more awake if I had drank three pots of coffee and drank a diet rockstar. Maybe it's time for some thoughts life isn't getting any easier the older I get. I'm struggling to write this because I don't even know if anyone really wants to read this anyways so here goes nothing.
Relationships, there's a metaphor coming, hang on. They're kind of like me and shoes. I've lost shoes, I've loved shoes, I've craved shoes, I've bought shoes, I've sold shoes, I've thrown out shoes, I've dressed up shoes for special occasions, I've even lied about where shoes came from and where they've been.
Then there's that one pair of shoes that's special, but they're kind of old and worn and they've been around a long time and you forget to take care of them and you forget to wear them and you just plain don't really pay that much attention to them. I'm sure the obvious is becoming painfully clear at this point.
But there's little you can do and you just have to wait and be patient and that's what hurts and thats why you are up at 1:30 in the morning writing a blog entry that no one is reading but you and you can only hope for the best. Shoes, yeah, its all about the shoes.....
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I'm Heading Into Summer Yet I Feel As Heavy As November

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This is officially the kickoff of summer, Memorial Day Weekend. I don't know how the weather is where everybody else is at, but here in Chicago, the weather is awful. Cold and rainy and it's almost as if it's depicting my mood. I feel as if life goes in cycles. I have my good years and my bad years, my on years and my off years. The seasons that rock and the seasons that I just wanna sleep through. Is it that way for everyone or am I alone on this madness? I want to be lighthearted, I try to keep these type of posts to a minimum and throw them in the journal section and leave the good reads at the top. I have some nagging feelings that I cannot seem to work out. I feel disjointed, disconnected and above all disgruntled.I feel, about all I feel and I feel too much lately and that's all there really is to it. Read more! Read more!

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Loudest Silence

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Lackluster adj.lacking luster, brightness, or vitality, I think I could describe myself as that right about now. I woke up early this morning, earlier that usual. I woke up before the alarm clock went off which is out of character for me. So I did the unthinkable, I walked around my apartment, sipped on some tea and went back to bed.
The story goes like this. I slept, slept more than I ever thought I could after the series of events that played out last night. After the series of events that keep running through my head. The series of events that keep playing like some sort of film reel that I cannot shut off. I woke again to the alarm clock buzzing in my ear like a screaming reminder that I still exist. I do still exist but not in the same way as I did before.
Now I'm stumbling through a world I am unfamiliar with. The noises are the same, I can hear the radio buzzing in the background. The obnoxious sound of MTV still plays on my television set at volume that both comforts and upsets me. I can hear the jingle of my cats bells as the chase each other around and around and I hear the deafening silence of a phone that does not ring.
I drag myself through my routine pushing myself through the motions. My fingers do not want to move then again neither do my legs. The overwhelming feeling of guilt and sorrow crush me and I am left alone with a day filled with the comfort of strangers. How many times can I stumble and fall is the question on my mind.
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On a Technical Note

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I added some new features to my blog which at no doubt came with some technical difficulties. I am working on adding expanding post feature but I can only get it to work on my new posts. If anyone knows anything about that would they please let me know. I also re vamped the template, several times its finally back in a semi normal state so if there are a few glitches that is why. I've got a lot of free time on my hands lately so there likely will be more updates. Thanks for anyone who has given me advice or comments or help it really is appreciated. Read more! Read more!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Being the Big Bad Wolf Sure Has Its Drawbacks

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So I sat here and took it, like an adult would calmly, rationally until I really lost it and decided that eliminating all of his property was the best idea. Probably not my best move, but he was leaving me and I had been dreading this all week. Still it felt like someone had shot me in the heart and my arms and my legs because I had this dead weight like I just couldn't move. Still an hour later and he keeps on calling, no matter how many times I hit the ignore button he keeps on calling dare I pick up only to hear about how awful I am over and over again. I'm the bad one, I'm mean, I'm cruel yet I'm the one sitting here crying over spilled milk. Being bad isn't always so great, it still hurts just as much to have your heart torn in two. Just this once I thought I could make a relationship work and then to have it torn out from under me once again is just shattering. I can't even write its as if I'm out of words which never happens to me but it's happened now......... Read more! Read more!

What I won't do for a buck

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To prevent myself from eating Ramen noodles I have found it necessary that I must keep a job of some sorts, the one I picked or rather the one that was chosen for me is really not in my best interests and oh I am being so serious. This is what I do, I stand around, pour wine for people who really don't care about the wine at all, smile when I really don't want to, stand around, talk to people in grocery stores, try not to laugh when people act like they're drunk off the ounce of wine I have poured them, try not to be irritated when people think it's my fault that seventeen dollars is a lot to pay for a bottle of wine (it's a good thing I kept them away from the seventy dollar bottles that I would drink if I had the money) and then I do some more standing around. Occasionally I talk on my cell phone and irritate people but what's a girl to do when she's tired and bored and really not cut out to be the free sample lady of the liquor kingdom? I bet no one's noticed that I really, really don't like what I do, but I do it anyways like most people that hate their jobs. The perks, I get a lot of free booze. I keep telling myself that it's going to be over soon but how does that help you in the moment, any advice on that anyone? How do you get through the minutes and the hours and the days? Like today, there was no one in the store, no one. So dead you could bowl down the aisles, I probably should have. I served nine samples in a four hour period, the goal is two hundred. There was just no one there and nothing could be done about it. But to me it was so extremely frustrating cause I felt to trapped because it's just so something that is just so not me. So I wrote a two page complaint to the company to fill my time and hopefully that will alleviate myself from feeling like I wasted time, probably not since I have to go do it again tomorrow but it was worth a shot I suppose. Anyways, I have complained way too much about this. I feel as if all I do is complain, complain, complain yet I cannot seem to stop it. It's as if no matter how hard I try the negativity wins out and I am just taken over by this big black cloud and I hate it. I can't seem to bring myself over the line between writing about my true feelings and living that bubble gum existence and I'm scared that I may be wrong because of that. I fear that there may be something wrong with me because I have these feelings and because I'm willing to show them. I don't really know, all I know is today I was frustrated and when I write I write deep and it usually cuts to the core and that leaves me a little unsettled and a little unsure as to how to deal with myself. Maybe I'm just not a simple person because I just cannot stop analyzing myself and everything around me and I would love to stop but I just cannot do it. I really wish I knew if this was good or bad, maybe that's not possible to know right now I wish I could stop writing but the words just keep coming and coming and it's like I'm being pushed to just let it out. Maybe I just need to learn how I work, maybe we all just need to learn how we work. This probably is not interesting to anyone else but me, I don't really know if it is even interesting to me, but it's real and to me that's what matters, being real.
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One for the money, two for the show and I feel a bad joke coming on......

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I'd like to comment on something, precisely what I really don't know. But if I knew I'd be the first to comment on it, you can bet on that. I'm pretty sleepy right now it's been a really long day. Forms to fill out and shopping and eating and driving, all not necessarily in that order. Long but productive and satisfying, that is in that order. I noticed something today, not only have I grown up, but my friends have grown up too. I've been so busy focusing on my own personal growth I haven't taken the time to look around me to notice that everyone else has reached a new point too. I don't think I can make much sense of this right now since I am so extremely tired but it's almost as if there was an end to an era and the beginning of a new one and for once, I don't feel afraid. I really feel like in a place where I fit, which is a new feeling for me. I've adapted to my life and grown into it and that's really about all I've got for now, I surely will add to this topic in the morning, but for now good night!
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Speculation on a series of unforgettable events

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I often relate to my feelings through artwork and colors, hence the picture on the right. I needed a happy picture so there is the flower I created less than a week ago. I like to dabble in art to express my emotions and this one captures my feelings right now, maybe that is hard for someone else to grasp but for me it makes all the sense in the world. I woke up this morning with a peculiar feeling. I realized that over the last twenty four hours I had been feeling quite a bit overwhelmed. I wrote and wrote and wrote till I literally could not do it anymore. I wrote until the thoughts were out of my head. I'm not even sure if I created interesting material or material that made sense or if it was anything that anybody would want to read. I sometimes find it difficult to write both for me and for a wider audience and I get stuck. Hmm, if anyone can put up with my brain being a little cluttered these days I have some really good ideas and I will be writing some more soon so keep checking back as I clear my head and begin writing some more. Be back soon!!
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

One More Time......

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I felt as if I was a little too cynical in my last post. So being me I had to obsess over that while I tidied up the pit that is known as my desk. Obsess I will because its just in my nature so I'm back for one more round. I feel as if I neglect my day to day life and get a little too deep sometimes and that's when I begin to scare myself. I think I have really good insight sometimes but sometimes I just want to be twenty three and simple, really simple. Speaking of obsessions again, wow that really is a hot button issue with me lately isn't it? I want to obsess over things like guys and shoes and my ringtone on my cell phone and the latest fashion trends and believe me I do. I just sometimes slip into that other me who ages herself about thirty years and then I freak out over it. Maybe today I was just carrying too many emotions and there's not enough me to handle it. You know what I do though when I get like that, I laugh at myself. I step back from it and laugh at myself and I realize that it's not that big of a deal and life is not that serious all the time. So right now I'm really happy because I went to a dentist that actually kept my appointment and explained to me what was going and did not have to pull my tooth, plus I had a nice walk there. And on top of that I'm going to go eat spaghettios!!! So there!! Ok and this is where the giggles come in, ahhh free therapy, its the best. I'm perfectly content now and I can go find something else to obsess over like my financial aid form that I must fill out for my appointment for cosmetology school tomorrow. Thats big stuff, so is laundry, giggles again......I'm going to leave giggling.....
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My brain is full but my tummy on the other hand.....

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Right now my tummy's grumbling. Although my head is full, full of thoughts. My thoughts are just consuming me today and I'm not sure why. I think that's why I just keep writing and writing and writing away. It's almost as if I can't stop. I used to journal pen to paper and then I learned that I could do it a lot faster on the computer and here I am today. Today hasn't been an unpleasant day or an unusual day. I did some chores, went to the dentist, saw my brother for fourteen seconds, bothered my dad at work, bothered my boyfriend at work, attempted to eat cereal and cheez its but this toothache I have just won't let me get any food down. I was busy, yet the thoughts keep coming. Read more! Read more!

Eighty Degrees and Climbing and I don't Know What To Do With Myself

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My computer tells me it's eighty degrees outside, it's beautiful out there and yet all I can do is sit here and write. I have this overwhelming feel that I need to just sit here and keep typing. I need to keep typing until whatever it is that is bothering me subsides. It's like I have this nagging feeling inside of me that just won't go away and the worst part is I really cannot identify it. It's almost as if I got one part of my life figured out so now I have to deal with other things. Things that I can't even really begin to start sorting out. It's almost as if I'm hitting that moment in my life where I feel myself begin to turn. I think you may know what I am talking about. That moment or time where you feel as if everything familiar is starting to become strange. Where you feel as if you are starting on a new path. A path that may be frightening and scary and you are still clinging to the past because you really don't know how else to react. I sort of feel as if that is where I am at. I'm really trying to go into this with an open mind, but it still scares me. It scares me because I don't know where I'll be or where I'm going. It scares me because I don't know what is going to change and what is going to stay the same. I know it is inevitable but facing it is so hard and writing about it makes it easier and harder at the same time. By writing about it I am acknowledging its existence and at the same time making myself feel better by releasing it out of my system. I am at a loss for words but I'm sure there will be more. I must do the things I have to do today so I am going to pry myself away from the computer even though I could write all day today, but I have to finish things. More later......
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Four Eyes Are Better Than Two But Are Two Hearts Better Than One?

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I think that's how I feel right now, but it's kind of a silent scream, because if I really screamed like that, the neighbor's would not be happy. Well, maybe not it's almost ten o'clock in the morning, no they still wouldn't be happy. Sigh...I'm feeling a little bit lost today. I'm really not sure why. Although I'm wondering if I'm still beating around the bush like I was last night in my last post. I'm wondering if that fear still has me and it's gripping me in that silent scream. I'm looking at the terror in that woman's eyes, sometimes I see that reflected in me, but then I can't figure out what I'm really afraid of. There is nothing that scary, nothing that I can't handle and yet I just want to crawl under the covers and hide. Yet I have to be a big girl because that's what I am, yep, thats what I am. Wait, let me reassure myself again, thats what I am. One more time? No, I got it. See that was me talking to myself, convincing myself that it's ok. Sometimes it's stressful being me, but then I stop and think, it's probably stressful for everybody and why should I be the one thinking I've got it so hard. I really feel like that picture somedays, I really feel like that picture today. I feel as if I don't run from where I am, if I don't stop and scream this life will consume me. I don't like to write about relationships, I don't like to bring my personal life and lay it out on the table. But two hearts are they better than one? One can't hurt you, one can't deceive you, one can't lie to you, one can't manipulate you and one can't break on it's own. But can one survive on its own? I really don't know and I'll admit that I don't have a clue when it comes to this. I'm mixed up today and it's only ten o'clock, it's going to be a long day. I think I will add more later. Read more! Read more!

Saving the Prairie Dogs

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A couple people have commented on the post about my pet prairie dog who passed away. I wanted to add a link for a site that's working to educate people about prairie dogs as pets and in the wild. There are many issues affecting these animals in the wild and as pets. They are currently banned to be sold or traded in all fifty states so the best anyone can do is protect them in the wild. Having owned one I know what type of animal they are and I care deeply for them and I wanted to pass on the info for anyone that would like to check it out. I don't understand all of the issues so I will not go into it, I will just post the link. So please if you have time check it out.

Prairie Dog Lover's Burrow | Plight of the prairie dog.. as pets and in the wild
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Monday, May 21, 2007

Silent Pleas Fall on Deaf Ears or Do They?

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I have to admit I'm feeling a little bit of writer's block tonight maybe due to the fact that it was gorgeous outside today and I just want to soak it up a little bit longer. Hmm, I think that was a lie, I think my writer's block comes from a fear of opening up. A fear of being exposed, a fear of telling too much to the wrong people at the wrong time. Or maybe the right people at the right time. I fear a lot, maybe we all do. Fear is a great motivator, it's also a great excuse to keep us from moving out of our comfort zones. Fear, yeah it is a four letter word, funny huh? So what am I afraid of? Well, it would be silly if I told you all. That would ruin the purpose of me writing this. Truth is, I'm not really sure. I'm probably afraid of a lot of things. Not living up to the image of myself that I have so ingrained in my head. Not becoming the person I want to be, the person others want me to be. Never making it, whatever "it" really is. Or letting down the people I love. Strap that all on my back and I have a huge cross to carry, bigger than I can manage at times. So what I do, well I live, that's all I really can do. That's all any of us can do really. I've started to open up to the fear inside of me right now and hopefully someday I can completely open that door. But for right now I'll just work on breaking the writer's block and see what comes out when I do, seems like I managed to muster up some courage and knock out something right here, I'm satisfied, anybody else?
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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Tattoos, Taboo, and the Holy Ghost

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I wanted to be a writer, among other things. During my year at what I like to call a "real" college, I wrote a lot. I took two composition classes while I was there and I enjoyed both of them quite a bit. During the course of my Composition I class I wrote a paper which has pretty much remained my favorite paper of all time. It was all about getting my first tattoo. I got to explore how tattoos are both traditional and taboo and how the co-exist in our society. Being the proud "owner" of not one but three tattoos I can relate. I've always got someone who loves them and thinks they're great and I've always got someone who looks at me like I'm the devil. Then again, I don't really care. I did it for me. I did it for me because I need something to prove I'm here, I need something to prove I stood in that place at that time and I was really there. I need that marking, I need that symbol, I need that memory. My tattoos are not really that symbolic to the outsider but to me they mean things, they mark time, they represent growth, they represent an era. I've had a lot of older people tell me that at twenty three how can I have that much time to mark? Well, I can and I will. My next tattoo is going to be a memorial. To mark an animal that I cherished who is no longer with me. If there's someone that wants to criticize that, then fine, but I think that is a really naive and a really ignorant way to act and a way to live your lives. If there is one thing that I've learned so far about life, it's this, well two things. One, people are funny, we all have our quirks and our fears and our insecurities and they all come out in different ways and in different times and places. And it doesn't make anybody any better or any worse than anybody else, actions aside. Two, life goes on and it always will. Wounds heal, hearts heal, time heals you. I kinda feel though sometimes you need something to mark that time, to remember, so the memory of a person, a place, a feeling, a moment, doesn't fade away. That's what tattoos mean to me, it's very simple really. All I've got left to say is I'm excited for my next one.

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Saturday, May 19, 2007

Part 1

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I really don't know where I'm going with this, but I think it's ok. I don't know what people want to read, I don't know what people want to hear so I can only be myself. I suck at being me lately. I suck at being good lately, whatever being good means. I suck at being a friend, I suck at being a sister, I suck at being a daughter, I suck at being a girlfriend, I just feel kind of sucky to be blatantly honest. I forget to call people back, I don't show up where I'm supposed, I let mean comments slide because I don't know how to let my real feelings show. There I said it, I don't know what I'm doing really. I try to be better and it's just not good enough. What is good enough? Would someone tell me what is good enough? What is the magic dividing line where bad becomes good and I reach over the threshold and I'm in the shining light again? Someone please tell me because I can't figure it out on my own. This is all about starting over right? Well I've wiped the slate clean so many times I'm afraid it's starting to show some wear and tear. I wonder if I don't deserve to have my heart broken. I have more questions but I don't really have the heart to ask them right now.......
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Friday, May 18, 2007

On A Side Note

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Who is this you're probably wondering. Well this was my best little buddy in the whole world. I got him as a baby and raised him all by my self. Some could say he was like my child. He was the sweetest most loving creature I have ever known. He taught me so many things about myself and about life. He taught me to be selfless and he taught me what its like to truly love something or someone else completely with all your heart. Unfortunately his life was cut short by a disease that captive prairie dogs get called odontoma in which a tumor grows on the tooth and causes the poor animal to suffocate. I lost him when he was barely three years old and I still can't look at his picture without crying. I don't think I'll ever be able to. You're probably wondering why I'm bringing this up at all. Well folks, this story was the tearjerker designed to bring you in. I'm looking for human interaction, I'm looking to know that there is someone out there. Anyone got a pet story? I know people love to talk about their pets. I want to hear from someone who's got the strangest pet, I had a prairie dog, someone top that. I love animals and always will, I'm sure there's some of you out there who love them too, don't be shy.
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Obsessions

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Ok so I thought I would be able to maintain this blog without seeping into my obsessions, but it wouldn't be me if we didn't go that route so here goes nothing. My name is Carolyn and I am a shoe-a-holic. There it feels a little better now that I got it out. That picture right there is a very small piece of the puzzle. Heels, wedges, flats, flip flops, boots I've got em all. And I can't stop buying them. I tend to look at it as a collection, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I like to look at what people collect because I think it says something about them. I haven't quite figured out what the shoes say about me yet. I'm kind of scared to be honest. Fashion is a big thing to me and I take it kind of seriously, some would say too seriously but to me it's important. I don't think it makes me shallow, I don't think it makes me stupid. I look at it as another way to create. Sometimes I can't share things with the people around me so I'm opening up to a virtual audience who I'm not even sure exists, but for me its easier this way. So let me have my quirks and I won't tell anyone about yours either, deal? Everyone obsesses about something, sometimes its healthy sometimes not so much. I like to think about things like this, it fascinates me. I can think about so many things in a single day its hard to make my brain stop. I think thats why it is so hard for me to find one single career. I finally settled into something because I realized I can do something for a living and have outside interests as well. When I was in college I felt so trapped. I felt bound to what I was studying. I felt as if I couldn't go into any other subjects or any other areas because I was on this path. This path that would lead me somewhere, to something. But no one ever told me exactly what that something was and that scared me. It didn't really scare me at first, but as I kept going I felt more scared and more uncertain. I thought I was supposed to feel more confident and more assured of my future as I went on, but the opposite happened. It's like I was a train on a path and I couldn't stop to see any of the sights along the way. Papers and exams and tests and research projects, I did them all and I did really well. But that train didn't know its destination and I got scared and I crashed. I'm kinda glad I did. Sometimes I wish I had kept on going but if I did I think I would be miserable. I've always known what's been right for me and sometimes I've taken the wrong path, but I've always gotten myself out of it. So I have a few obsessions, who doesn't? On an end note, nobody ever said trial and error was easy

-C
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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Full Speed Ahead.....

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I'm jumping, I'll admit I'm leaping. Full out, arms and legs flailing off the diving board feet first first, ten feet above the water and I'm plunging in. And I'm going to come up soaking wet, we'll see if that's a good thing or a bad thing. A week ago I had no idea what I was doing the next day, well I still kind of don't but I seem to have a clearer goal now. I'm also sitting here surrounded by forms. I can't believe that I thought cosmetology school was for people who couldn't get into college. Wow, was I wrong. First of all they gave me a test. Sure it was a pretty simple test, but still it was a logics test. Plus you have to have gone to high school, you have to have references and you have to have some substantial money, which is where I'm stuck right now. I'm sitting here with my good friend the FAFSA. I didn't really plan on filling out one of those again. That was another misconception I had about cosmetology school, money. I didn't think I would have to take out a loan to go to a school like this. But of course I picked the most expensive one cause I believe it is the best one, so point being here I am. I'm not eighteen anymore and its time to do this myself. In one way I'm really happy, but there's still a part of me that can't shake the fact that most of the people I went to high school with have just graduated from four year colleges. But once again, I'm not them. One of my regrets is that I didn't figure this out four years ago, instead I had been so caught up on what everyone else was doing that I had to do the same. Which in turn turned out to be a big mistake for me. I just hope I can do this and realize this can be good for me. I just want to know that I don't have to do what other people did to still be good enough. To still be equal, that's all I really want. And I want to get out of the job I have now. Pouring wine for people that don't care is not my idea of something I want to stick with. Not at all. So I'm going to sit here and go through the forms and try and sort this mess out, stay tuned for the update.

-C
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First Day, but of what???

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It's Thursday, not a special Thursday of any sort but I feel as if it should be special. I've been sitting around all day just doing simple tasks. Getting my stuff ready for the job I absolutely cannot stand, but for some reason it seems a lot better now. My life in the past week has improved greatly. It's like I finally got back on track. For the past six months I've been stumbling around hating myself, hating my life, hating everyone and everything in the world around me. It's as if I couldn't get enough of the self pity that I was just laying on myself. And letting myself soak in it. But things are better, suddenly I just love everyone again. And I love everything again cause now I have direction, now i have a goal now I have a plan. When I left school last September I didn't really know what I was going to do. I assumed that I would just work and that would be enough. But then after I was in a car accident and I no longer had a car, work became difficult and the money stopped and everything just piled on top of me. There were bills to pay that I couldn't afford and everything was just one big giant mess. Seems as if there always is a resolution and there is and there was and I've returned from where I was and now I'm starting over, day one, today. So here I am, this is my beginning post. If anyone actually reads this site, I welcome you, if not I guess its just me writing to myself. Either way its a win/win situation so I'm happy. Enough said, I will write more later.

-C
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