I've Had It With The WIne When The Social Politics Are Ringing In My Ears

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I've complained about my job on here before and I'm afraid that's all I've done is complain, well I've had it and I'm done with it. I experienced a bit of a social issue that led me to the end of it. Now I'm fully aware of the fact that other people might find this a bit over the top and a bit self righteous but something about the incident last week just pushed my buttons. Maybe the fact that I still don't understand everything about city life got to me. Or maybe the fact that it made me feel incompetent or maybe just the fact that I feel I did nothing wrong. Or maybe it's just simply the fact that I kind of like to stir things up, but here it is, it went down like this, whether you think I overreacted or not, this is what happened. As a disclaimer this certainly is not the only reason why I chose to leave this job, it is simply the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was innocently pouring wine when a man came up to me and asked for a sample, he looked a bit "weathered" but in the store I usually work in that is not the least bit uncommon. So I poured him a sample as he was well over twenty one and I saw nothing wrong with it. He walked away and I did not see him again. About twenty minutes later I start seeing armed police officers patrolling the store and suddenly a security guard comes up to me and I realize that something wasn't right about him. The security guard tells me that this man was a homeless man and I cannot give him samples. More accurately I am to ask him for ID and then deny him a sample. Wait, stop.
I was trained to give samples to anyone CLEARLY over twenty one that is not intoxicated. Now, I'm sure anyone reading this is thinking "what an idiot how did you not know he was homeless?" Honestly, I kind of figured it out immediately after the fact, but I could not come up with a reason to deny him a sample, it was free and he's legally over twenty one.
Now I'm so sure someone can argue this with me, "he probably is an alcoholic" "he doesn't need the alcohol" "drain on society" and so on and so forth. I'm still subscribing to the school of thought that people are equal and I can't replace the nagging feeling that I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he was an alcoholic but who am I to tell him he can't drink? Who are any of us to tell other people when and how tto stop our addictions?
I'm not really sure why I'm bothered by this and this is certainly not the only reason why I'm not doing this job anymore but it really got to me. Who is the better person and who gets to tell others how to control their vices? All this trouble for an ounce of wine seems unneccesary. Maybe I'm young and I just don't understand and anyone that wants to explain it to me please do because if there is something I'm missing I really would like to know. I'm just sitting over here lost in thought and confused about how we treat people who we should really be helping instead of shunning and isolating. That's my thoughts for the day. Read more! Read more!

I May Not Have Dolls To Dress Up But The Internet Seems To Have Found A Remedy For This

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I swore I was done with the dollz, but inside every adult woman, there is a little girl dying to play dress up and today my inner girl came out.

I don't have actual dolls anymore to dress in fancy clothes but it seems that technology, has a remedy for that, like it has for many things. You can visit dollzmania.net and create a very own doll of your own. With it's customizable drop and click doll maker making your very own doll is just a few clicks away. From preppy to gothic the possibilities are endless and all they ask of you is that you provide a link back to their site. I had discovered this trend a few years back but upon revisiting it this morning I learned that it is still going strong. I really had despised it until this morning when I realized there is a certain therapy and creativity in creating something even if it is on a computer screen. Why you can even create a doll in your likeness to use as your icon or on your own blog or website. Like I said before the possibilities really are endless. Now that I am hooked on it again I'm sure I will be creating more dollz than I can possibly imagine. Plus saving them is easy as you can download them right to your computer with no problems at all so you do not have to worry about losing your work. Simple, cute and a little bit of fun. Formerly reserved for the teenage crowd I think everyone could get a little smile out of these dollz, I know I did. Once again these can be found at dollzmania.net Read more! Read more!

Confessions from the Dental Chair

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Today I went into the oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. It was really nothing too extreme but it sparked some revelations that can only be described in the following manner. Since this was just a standard extraction I was referred to the oral surgeon only because I have a problem keeping my mouth open, that's a really funny thought to anyone that knows me because I'm sure they will tell you my problem is just the opposite. So it was determined that I was to undergo the procedure under anesthesia and thus my story begins.
I had to be placed under anesthesia just to remove the troublesome tooth and I was a bit uncomfortable with this idea. I had little time to be uncomfortable although because before I knew it the IV drip was in my arm and the oxygen mask was over my face. I was never fully under because I can remember most details of the surgery, feeling no pain and only pressure it was not an uncomfortable experience and my time spent in the dentist's chair was not all that uncomfortable or painful.
I spent the rest of the day laying on the couch watching HGTV and re runs of whatever tv shows I could find on daytime television. I've been eating lots of ice cream and butterscotch pudding as I've been told this will be easy on my sore mouth. I have to admit that I was scared of getting this tooth pulled. I think I was more scared of the unknown, which is a common theme among the human race. But I faced it, well more or less I was thrown into it and I survived. It's been a long day and I made it through somehow.
From the dentist's chair back to my chair I've learned that I can be a grown up and still be scared and I can get through things and be ok all at the same time. If that last sentence made any sense at all! Maybe this will be of use for things in the future, maybe it won't, whatever it was it was a good day and my mouth will heal and I will heal and be good as new in no time at all. Hopefully soon because I would really, really like some solid food! Read more! Read more!

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Now that Memorial Day Weekend is over that means summer is officially here, what best to bring in summer than some cute summer fashions. The main theme around fashion this year is versatility and both of the pieces shown above display this. The blue jumper is a perfect example. You can dress it down with a pair of flip flops or wedges and you've got the perfect beach outfit. Or even by day you can hit the streets in this cute little number. But then take a killer pair of heels and some awesome jewelry and you're ready to paint the town red at night. Same goes for the dress. Dress it town by day with those trusty flip flops and dress it up by night with those great heels you've been dying to wear and you've got tons of versatility packed into two little outfits. Best of all they are easy to pack so they will go with you wherever you are traveling this summer! Happy shopping!

Blue Jumper $40 lulusfashionlounge.com
Red Trapeze Dress $36.50-$38.50 www.alloy.com

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The Journal Of Carolyn D.

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Tuesday, the fan's making the same peculiar noise it always makes. The scene has not really changed too much. Sleep came easy last night. Exhaustion had set it and my eyes could not stay awake. I waited for the tears to come but they wouldn't. So I slept and he stayed. The overwhelming grief that had encompassed me before was now filled with something even worse but I don't know yet what it is.
Awake I am now, waiting. watching. Too tired to clean, too awake to just sit. Not knowing where I'm going, not certain where I've been. Longing for something I can never have. Scared. Lonely. Sad. This is my journal. Read more! Read more!

What Do You Do When Someone Leaves You A Have A Nice Life Note On Your Bedroom Floor?

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I awoke to one such note and unanswered phone calls so what did I do, simple I made a slide show click here for it, sorry for the lack of content today simply not in the mood.

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How I can Relate My Love Life To Shoes and Other Myths They Taught Me In College

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I'm really having a blast with these images of cartoon women, ok having a blast would be a highly overrated term there. I think I'm using them as therapy. I'm not sure if it's an ineffective method or not, I'll let you know in four to six weeks. It's about one thirty in the morning and I couldn't be more awake if I had drank three pots of coffee and drank a diet rockstar. Maybe it's time for some thoughts life isn't getting any easier the older I get. I'm struggling to write this because I don't even know if anyone really wants to read this anyways so here goes nothing.
Relationships, there's a metaphor coming, hang on. They're kind of like me and shoes. I've lost shoes, I've loved shoes, I've craved shoes, I've bought shoes, I've sold shoes, I've thrown out shoes, I've dressed up shoes for special occasions, I've even lied about where shoes came from and where they've been.
Then there's that one pair of shoes that's special, but they're kind of old and worn and they've been around a long time and you forget to take care of them and you forget to wear them and you just plain don't really pay that much attention to them. I'm sure the obvious is becoming painfully clear at this point.
But there's little you can do and you just have to wait and be patient and that's what hurts and thats why you are up at 1:30 in the morning writing a blog entry that no one is reading but you and you can only hope for the best. Shoes, yeah, its all about the shoes..... Read more! Read more!

I'm Heading Into Summer Yet I Feel As Heavy As November

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This is officially the kickoff of summer, Memorial Day Weekend. I don't know how the weather is where everybody else is at, but here in Chicago, the weather is awful. Cold and rainy and it's almost as if it's depicting my mood. I feel as if life goes in cycles. I have my good years and my bad years, my on years and my off years. The seasons that rock and the seasons that I just wanna sleep through. Is it that way for everyone or am I alone on this madness? I want to be lighthearted, I try to keep these type of posts to a minimum and throw them in the journal section and leave the good reads at the top. I have some nagging feelings that I cannot seem to work out. I feel disjointed, disconnected and above all disgruntled.I feel, about all I feel and I feel too much lately and that's all there really is to it. Read more! Read more!

The Loudest Silence

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Lackluster adj.lacking luster, brightness, or vitality, I think I could describe myself as that right about now. I woke up early this morning, earlier that usual. I woke up before the alarm clock went off which is out of character for me. So I did the unthinkable, I walked around my apartment, sipped on some tea and went back to bed.
The story goes like this. I slept, slept more than I ever thought I could after the series of events that played out last night. After the series of events that keep running through my head. The series of events that keep playing like some sort of film reel that I cannot shut off. I woke again to the alarm clock buzzing in my ear like a screaming reminder that I still exist. I do still exist but not in the same way as I did before.
Now I'm stumbling through a world I am unfamiliar with. The noises are the same, I can hear the radio buzzing in the background. The obnoxious sound of MTV still plays on my television set at volume that both comforts and upsets me. I can hear the jingle of my cats bells as the chase each other around and around and I hear the deafening silence of a phone that does not ring.
I drag myself through my routine pushing myself through the motions. My fingers do not want to move then again neither do my legs. The overwhelming feeling of guilt and sorrow crush me and I am left alone with a day filled with the comfort of strangers. How many times can I stumble and fall is the question on my mind. Read more! Read more!

On a Technical Note

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I added some new features to my blog which at no doubt came with some technical difficulties. I am working on adding expanding post feature but I can only get it to work on my new posts. If anyone knows anything about that would they please let me know. I also re vamped the template, several times its finally back in a semi normal state so if there are a few glitches that is why. I've got a lot of free time on my hands lately so there likely will be more updates. Thanks for anyone who has given me advice or comments or help it really is appreciated. Read more! Read more!

Being the Big Bad Wolf Sure Has Its Drawbacks

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So I sat here and took it, like an adult would calmly, rationally until I really lost it and decided that eliminating all of his property was the best idea. Probably not my best move, but he was leaving me and I had been dreading this all week. Still it felt like someone had shot me in the heart and my arms and my legs because I had this dead weight like I just couldn't move. Still an hour later and he keeps on calling, no matter how many times I hit the ignore button he keeps on calling dare I pick up only to hear about how awful I am over and over again. I'm the bad one, I'm mean, I'm cruel yet I'm the one sitting here crying over spilled milk. Being bad isn't always so great, it still hurts just as much to have your heart torn in two. Just this once I thought I could make a relationship work and then to have it torn out from under me once again is just shattering. I can't even write its as if I'm out of words which never happens to me but it's happened now......... Read more! Read more!

What I won't do for a buck

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To prevent myself from eating Ramen noodles I have found it necessary that I must keep a job of some sorts, the one I picked or rather the one that was chosen for me is really not in my best interests and oh I am being so serious. This is what I do, I stand around, pour wine for people who really don't care about the wine at all, smile when I really don't want to, stand around, talk to people in grocery stores, try not to laugh when people act like they're drunk off the ounce of wine I have poured them, try not to be irritated when people think it's my fault that seventeen dollars is a lot to pay for a bottle of wine (it's a good thing I kept them away from the seventy dollar bottles that I would drink if I had the money) and then I do some more standing around. Occasionally I talk on my cell phone and irritate people but what's a girl to do when she's tired and bored and really not cut out to be the free sample lady of the liquor kingdom? I bet no one's noticed that I really, really don't like what I do, but I do it anyways like most people that hate their jobs. The perks, I get a lot of free booze. I keep telling myself that it's going to be over soon but how does that help you in the moment, any advice on that anyone? How do you get through the minutes and the hours and the days? Like today, there was no one in the store, no one. So dead you could bowl down the aisles, I probably should have. I served nine samples in a four hour period, the goal is two hundred. There was just no one there and nothing could be done about it. But to me it was so extremely frustrating cause I felt to trapped because it's just so something that is just so not me. So I wrote a two page complaint to the company to fill my time and hopefully that will alleviate myself from feeling like I wasted time, probably not since I have to go do it again tomorrow but it was worth a shot I suppose. Anyways, I have complained way too much about this. I feel as if all I do is complain, complain, complain yet I cannot seem to stop it. It's as if no matter how hard I try the negativity wins out and I am just taken over by this big black cloud and I hate it. I can't seem to bring myself over the line between writing about my true feelings and living that bubble gum existence and I'm scared that I may be wrong because of that. I fear that there may be something wrong with me because I have these feelings and because I'm willing to show them. I don't really know, all I know is today I was frustrated and when I write I write deep and it usually cuts to the core and that leaves me a little unsettled and a little unsure as to how to deal with myself. Maybe I'm just not a simple person because I just cannot stop analyzing myself and everything around me and I would love to stop but I just cannot do it. I really wish I knew if this was good or bad, maybe that's not possible to know right now I wish I could stop writing but the words just keep coming and coming and it's like I'm being pushed to just let it out. Maybe I just need to learn how I work, maybe we all just need to learn how we work. This probably is not interesting to anyone else but me, I don't really know if it is even interesting to me, but it's real and to me that's what matters, being real.
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One for the money, two for the show and I feel a bad joke coming on......

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I'd like to comment on something, precisely what I really don't know. But if I knew I'd be the first to comment on it, you can bet on that. I'm pretty sleepy right now it's been a really long day. Forms to fill out and shopping and eating and driving, all not necessarily in that order. Long but productive and satisfying, that is in that order. I noticed something today, not only have I grown up, but my friends have grown up too. I've been so busy focusing on my own personal growth I haven't taken the time to look around me to notice that everyone else has reached a new point too. I don't think I can make much sense of this right now since I am so extremely tired but it's almost as if there was an end to an era and the beginning of a new one and for once, I don't feel afraid. I really feel like in a place where I fit, which is a new feeling for me. I've adapted to my life and grown into it and that's really about all I've got for now, I surely will add to this topic in the morning, but for now good night!
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Speculation on a series of unforgettable events

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I often relate to my feelings through artwork and colors, hence the picture on the right. I needed a happy picture so there is the flower I created less than a week ago. I like to dabble in art to express my emotions and this one captures my feelings right now, maybe that is hard for someone else to grasp but for me it makes all the sense in the world. I woke up this morning with a peculiar feeling. I realized that over the last twenty four hours I had been feeling quite a bit overwhelmed. I wrote and wrote and wrote till I literally could not do it anymore. I wrote until the thoughts were out of my head. I'm not even sure if I created interesting material or material that made sense or if it was anything that anybody would want to read. I sometimes find it difficult to write both for me and for a wider audience and I get stuck. Hmm, if anyone can put up with my brain being a little cluttered these days I have some really good ideas and I will be writing some more soon so keep checking back as I clear my head and begin writing some more. Be back soon!!
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One More Time......

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I felt as if I was a little too cynical in my last post. So being me I had to obsess over that while I tidied up the pit that is known as my desk. Obsess I will because its just in my nature so I'm back for one more round. I feel as if I neglect my day to day life and get a little too deep sometimes and that's when I begin to scare myself. I think I have really good insight sometimes but sometimes I just want to be twenty three and simple, really simple. Speaking of obsessions again, wow that really is a hot button issue with me lately isn't it? I want to obsess over things like guys and shoes and my ringtone on my cell phone and the latest fashion trends and believe me I do. I just sometimes slip into that other me who ages herself about thirty years and then I freak out over it. Maybe today I was just carrying too many emotions and there's not enough me to handle it. You know what I do though when I get like that, I laugh at myself. I step back from it and laugh at myself and I realize that it's not that big of a deal and life is not that serious all the time. So right now I'm really happy because I went to a dentist that actually kept my appointment and explained to me what was going and did not have to pull my tooth, plus I had a nice walk there. And on top of that I'm going to go eat spaghettios!!! So there!! Ok and this is where the giggles come in, ahhh free therapy, its the best. I'm perfectly content now and I can go find something else to obsess over like my financial aid form that I must fill out for my appointment for cosmetology school tomorrow. Thats big stuff, so is laundry, giggles again......I'm going to leave giggling.....
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My brain is full but my tummy on the other hand.....

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Right now my tummy's grumbling. Although my head is full, full of thoughts. My thoughts are just consuming me today and I'm not sure why. I think that's why I just keep writing and writing and writing away. It's almost as if I can't stop. I used to journal pen to paper and then I learned that I could do it a lot faster on the computer and here I am today. Today hasn't been an unpleasant day or an unusual day. I did some chores, went to the dentist, saw my brother for fourteen seconds, bothered my dad at work, bothered my boyfriend at work, attempted to eat cereal and cheez its but this toothache I have just won't let me get any food down. I was busy, yet the thoughts keep coming. Read more! Read more!

Eighty Degrees and Climbing and I don't Know What To Do With Myself

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My computer tells me it's eighty degrees outside, it's beautiful out there and yet all I can do is sit here and write. I have this overwhelming feel that I need to just sit here and keep typing. I need to keep typing until whatever it is that is bothering me subsides. It's like I have this nagging feeling inside of me that just won't go away and the worst part is I really cannot identify it. It's almost as if I got one part of my life figured out so now I have to deal with other things. Things that I can't even really begin to start sorting out. It's almost as if I'm hitting that moment in my life where I feel myself begin to turn. I think you may know what I am talking about. That moment or time where you feel as if everything familiar is starting to become strange. Where you feel as if you are starting on a new path. A path that may be frightening and scary and you are still clinging to the past because you really don't know how else to react. I sort of feel as if that is where I am at. I'm really trying to go into this with an open mind, but it still scares me. It scares me because I don't know where I'll be or where I'm going. It scares me because I don't know what is going to change and what is going to stay the same. I know it is inevitable but facing it is so hard and writing about it makes it easier and harder at the same time. By writing about it I am acknowledging its existence and at the same time making myself feel better by releasing it out of my system. I am at a loss for words but I'm sure there will be more. I must do the things I have to do today so I am going to pry myself away from the computer even though I could write all day today, but I have to finish things. More later......
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Four Eyes Are Better Than Two But Are Two Hearts Better Than One?

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I think that's how I feel right now, but it's kind of a silent scream, because if I really screamed like that, the neighbor's would not be happy. Well, maybe not it's almost ten o'clock in the morning, no they still wouldn't be happy. Sigh...I'm feeling a little bit lost today. I'm really not sure why. Although I'm wondering if I'm still beating around the bush like I was last night in my last post. I'm wondering if that fear still has me and it's gripping me in that silent scream. I'm looking at the terror in that woman's eyes, sometimes I see that reflected in me, but then I can't figure out what I'm really afraid of. There is nothing that scary, nothing that I can't handle and yet I just want to crawl under the covers and hide. Yet I have to be a big girl because that's what I am, yep, thats what I am. Wait, let me reassure myself again, thats what I am. One more time? No, I got it. See that was me talking to myself, convincing myself that it's ok. Sometimes it's stressful being me, but then I stop and think, it's probably stressful for everybody and why should I be the one thinking I've got it so hard. I really feel like that picture somedays, I really feel like that picture today. I feel as if I don't run from where I am, if I don't stop and scream this life will consume me. I don't like to write about relationships, I don't like to bring my personal life and lay it out on the table. But two hearts are they better than one? One can't hurt you, one can't deceive you, one can't lie to you, one can't manipulate you and one can't break on it's own. But can one survive on its own? I really don't know and I'll admit that I don't have a clue when it comes to this. I'm mixed up today and it's only ten o'clock, it's going to be a long day. I think I will add more later. Read more! Read more!

Saving the Prairie Dogs

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A couple people have commented on the post about my pet prairie dog who passed away. I wanted to add a link for a site that's working to educate people about prairie dogs as pets and in the wild. There are many issues affecting these animals in the wild and as pets. They are currently banned to be sold or traded in all fifty states so the best anyone can do is protect them in the wild. Having owned one I know what type of animal they are and I care deeply for them and I wanted to pass on the info for anyone that would like to check it out. I don't understand all of the issues so I will not go into it, I will just post the link. So please if you have time check it out.

Prairie Dog Lover's Burrow | Plight of the prairie dog.. as pets and in the wild Read more! Read more!

Silent Pleas Fall on Deaf Ears or Do They?

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I have to admit I'm feeling a little bit of writer's block tonight maybe due to the fact that it was gorgeous outside today and I just want to soak it up a little bit longer. Hmm, I think that was a lie, I think my writer's block comes from a fear of opening up. A fear of being exposed, a fear of telling too much to the wrong people at the wrong time. Or maybe the right people at the right time. I fear a lot, maybe we all do. Fear is a great motivator, it's also a great excuse to keep us from moving out of our comfort zones. Fear, yeah it is a four letter word, funny huh? So what am I afraid of? Well, it would be silly if I told you all. That would ruin the purpose of me writing this. Truth is, I'm not really sure. I'm probably afraid of a lot of things. Not living up to the image of myself that I have so ingrained in my head. Not becoming the person I want to be, the person others want me to be. Never making it, whatever "it" really is. Or letting down the people I love. Strap that all on my back and I have a huge cross to carry, bigger than I can manage at times. So what I do, well I live, that's all I really can do. That's all any of us can do really. I've started to open up to the fear inside of me right now and hopefully someday I can completely open that door. But for right now I'll just work on breaking the writer's block and see what comes out when I do, seems like I managed to muster up some courage and knock out something right here, I'm satisfied, anybody else?
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Tattoos, Taboo, and the Holy Ghost

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I wanted to be a writer, among other things. During my year at what I like to call a "real" college, I wrote a lot. I took two composition classes while I was there and I enjoyed both of them quite a bit. During the course of my Composition I class I wrote a paper which has pretty much remained my favorite paper of all time. It was all about getting my first tattoo. I got to explore how tattoos are both traditional and taboo and how the co-exist in our society. Being the proud "owner" of not one but three tattoos I can relate. I've always got someone who loves them and thinks they're great and I've always got someone who looks at me like I'm the devil. Then again, I don't really care. I did it for me. I did it for me because I need something to prove I'm here, I need something to prove I stood in that place at that time and I was really there. I need that marking, I need that symbol, I need that memory. My tattoos are not really that symbolic to the outsider but to me they mean things, they mark time, they represent growth, they represent an era. I've had a lot of older people tell me that at twenty three how can I have that much time to mark? Well, I can and I will. My next tattoo is going to be a memorial. To mark an animal that I cherished who is no longer with me. If there's someone that wants to criticize that, then fine, but I think that is a really naive and a really ignorant way to act and a way to live your lives. If there is one thing that I've learned so far about life, it's this, well two things. One, people are funny, we all have our quirks and our fears and our insecurities and they all come out in different ways and in different times and places. And it doesn't make anybody any better or any worse than anybody else, actions aside. Two, life goes on and it always will. Wounds heal, hearts heal, time heals you. I kinda feel though sometimes you need something to mark that time, to remember, so the memory of a person, a place, a feeling, a moment, doesn't fade away. That's what tattoos mean to me, it's very simple really. All I've got left to say is I'm excited for my next one.

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Part 1

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I really don't know where I'm going with this, but I think it's ok. I don't know what people want to read, I don't know what people want to hear so I can only be myself. I suck at being me lately. I suck at being good lately, whatever being good means. I suck at being a friend, I suck at being a sister, I suck at being a daughter, I suck at being a girlfriend, I just feel kind of sucky to be blatantly honest. I forget to call people back, I don't show up where I'm supposed, I let mean comments slide because I don't know how to let my real feelings show. There I said it, I don't know what I'm doing really. I try to be better and it's just not good enough. What is good enough? Would someone tell me what is good enough? What is the magic dividing line where bad becomes good and I reach over the threshold and I'm in the shining light again? Someone please tell me because I can't figure it out on my own. This is all about starting over right? Well I've wiped the slate clean so many times I'm afraid it's starting to show some wear and tear. I wonder if I don't deserve to have my heart broken. I have more questions but I don't really have the heart to ask them right now.......
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On A Side Note

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Who is this you're probably wondering. Well this was my best little buddy in the whole world. I got him as a baby and raised him all by my self. Some could say he was like my child. He was the sweetest most loving creature I have ever known. He taught me so many things about myself and about life. He taught me to be selfless and he taught me what its like to truly love something or someone else completely with all your heart. Unfortunately his life was cut short by a disease that captive prairie dogs get called odontoma in which a tumor grows on the tooth and causes the poor animal to suffocate. I lost him when he was barely three years old and I still can't look at his picture without crying. I don't think I'll ever be able to. You're probably wondering why I'm bringing this up at all. Well folks, this story was the tearjerker designed to bring you in. I'm looking for human interaction, I'm looking to know that there is someone out there. Anyone got a pet story? I know people love to talk about their pets. I want to hear from someone who's got the strangest pet, I had a prairie dog, someone top that. I love animals and always will, I'm sure there's some of you out there who love them too, don't be shy.
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Obsessions

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Ok so I thought I would be able to maintain this blog without seeping into my obsessions, but it wouldn't be me if we didn't go that route so here goes nothing. My name is Carolyn and I am a shoe-a-holic. There it feels a little better now that I got it out. That picture right there is a very small piece of the puzzle. Heels, wedges, flats, flip flops, boots I've got em all. And I can't stop buying them. I tend to look at it as a collection, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I like to look at what people collect because I think it says something about them. I haven't quite figured out what the shoes say about me yet. I'm kind of scared to be honest. Fashion is a big thing to me and I take it kind of seriously, some would say too seriously but to me it's important. I don't think it makes me shallow, I don't think it makes me stupid. I look at it as another way to create. Sometimes I can't share things with the people around me so I'm opening up to a virtual audience who I'm not even sure exists, but for me its easier this way. So let me have my quirks and I won't tell anyone about yours either, deal? Everyone obsesses about something, sometimes its healthy sometimes not so much. I like to think about things like this, it fascinates me. I can think about so many things in a single day its hard to make my brain stop. I think thats why it is so hard for me to find one single career. I finally settled into something because I realized I can do something for a living and have outside interests as well. When I was in college I felt so trapped. I felt bound to what I was studying. I felt as if I couldn't go into any other subjects or any other areas because I was on this path. This path that would lead me somewhere, to something. But no one ever told me exactly what that something was and that scared me. It didn't really scare me at first, but as I kept going I felt more scared and more uncertain. I thought I was supposed to feel more confident and more assured of my future as I went on, but the opposite happened. It's like I was a train on a path and I couldn't stop to see any of the sights along the way. Papers and exams and tests and research projects, I did them all and I did really well. But that train didn't know its destination and I got scared and I crashed. I'm kinda glad I did. Sometimes I wish I had kept on going but if I did I think I would be miserable. I've always known what's been right for me and sometimes I've taken the wrong path, but I've always gotten myself out of it. So I have a few obsessions, who doesn't? On an end note, nobody ever said trial and error was easy

-C
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Full Speed Ahead.....

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I'm jumping, I'll admit I'm leaping. Full out, arms and legs flailing off the diving board feet first first, ten feet above the water and I'm plunging in. And I'm going to come up soaking wet, we'll see if that's a good thing or a bad thing. A week ago I had no idea what I was doing the next day, well I still kind of don't but I seem to have a clearer goal now. I'm also sitting here surrounded by forms. I can't believe that I thought cosmetology school was for people who couldn't get into college. Wow, was I wrong. First of all they gave me a test. Sure it was a pretty simple test, but still it was a logics test. Plus you have to have gone to high school, you have to have references and you have to have some substantial money, which is where I'm stuck right now. I'm sitting here with my good friend the FAFSA. I didn't really plan on filling out one of those again. That was another misconception I had about cosmetology school, money. I didn't think I would have to take out a loan to go to a school like this. But of course I picked the most expensive one cause I believe it is the best one, so point being here I am. I'm not eighteen anymore and its time to do this myself. In one way I'm really happy, but there's still a part of me that can't shake the fact that most of the people I went to high school with have just graduated from four year colleges. But once again, I'm not them. One of my regrets is that I didn't figure this out four years ago, instead I had been so caught up on what everyone else was doing that I had to do the same. Which in turn turned out to be a big mistake for me. I just hope I can do this and realize this can be good for me. I just want to know that I don't have to do what other people did to still be good enough. To still be equal, that's all I really want. And I want to get out of the job I have now. Pouring wine for people that don't care is not my idea of something I want to stick with. Not at all. So I'm going to sit here and go through the forms and try and sort this mess out, stay tuned for the update.

-C
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First Day, but of what???

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It's Thursday, not a special Thursday of any sort but I feel as if it should be special. I've been sitting around all day just doing simple tasks. Getting my stuff ready for the job I absolutely cannot stand, but for some reason it seems a lot better now. My life in the past week has improved greatly. It's like I finally got back on track. For the past six months I've been stumbling around hating myself, hating my life, hating everyone and everything in the world around me. It's as if I couldn't get enough of the self pity that I was just laying on myself. And letting myself soak in it. But things are better, suddenly I just love everyone again. And I love everything again cause now I have direction, now i have a goal now I have a plan. When I left school last September I didn't really know what I was going to do. I assumed that I would just work and that would be enough. But then after I was in a car accident and I no longer had a car, work became difficult and the money stopped and everything just piled on top of me. There were bills to pay that I couldn't afford and everything was just one big giant mess. Seems as if there always is a resolution and there is and there was and I've returned from where I was and now I'm starting over, day one, today. So here I am, this is my beginning post. If anyone actually reads this site, I welcome you, if not I guess its just me writing to myself. Either way its a win/win situation so I'm happy. Enough said, I will write more later.

-C
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