Where Exactly is the Focus?

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As if my mind isn't running on overdrive enough as it is already I am finding my writing has becoming more and more cluttered. I can't seem to find a focus here and my efforts to keep on a topic of interest are becoming less than triumphant. I don't care to write about Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan and I really could care less if they spend the rest of their lives behind bars. I don't want to delve any more into my own personal life but it's as my mind cannot seem to find anything to write of or speak of lately. I'm sure there are some topics out there that interest me but it seems as if I am writing about what I cannot write about which seems horribly boring and mundane. I've really begun to consider if that is just a reflection of my personality. I wonder if I could write sweeping editorials that would wow people, amazing stories about social injustice and political debate but the truth is I can't bring myself to care. The closest I came was my personal account about the homeless man and the wine sampling. For some reason that struck a nerve with me and I was able to be passionate about that. For everything else I seem to lack enthusiasm and truth be told that frightens me, not just a little but a lot, in fact a great big deal. It even keeps me up at night. I've dreamed of being a writer, of having an advice column of writing articles on relationships and being knowledgeable but it seems I can't even seem to find my way on a simple blog. I've been told over and over how well I write but it seems to be that I have fallen into an enormous case of writers block and I cannot seem to dig my way out of it, except to complain like I am doing now. My biggest fear is that I am just plain uninteresting. I want to write things that people find interesting and helpful and can connect with and I just don't see how me talking about my life is at all helpful. So I complain, again, and again and again. Maybe this is some sort of growing experience and I am just not seeing it right now, hopefully that is the case. Any feedback, anybody??? Read more! Read more!

The River Does Run Wild Apparently Or So I Think.....

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Ok, I survived the outdoors. As if anyone was concerned that I really wouldn't make it. Here I go back into that valley girl tone again, I'm really trying to cut that out, really I am. It's worse than smoking or so I hear. Eight miles, one canoe and two kayaks and the process of me falling into the river three times I managed to come up, well soaking wet. I really don't think water sports are my thing. Or sports in general. But I tried it and thats what matters, right, right? Someone agree with me. Ok anyways, I'm home and I'm tan and I'm happy. Very tired but happy and I'm going to go on and write about something interesting now. Read more! Read more!

Sometimes I Wonder If I'm A Valley Girl Without Her Valley

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I am leaving the cave of my apartment for a few days to go on a bit of an adventure, which does mean prying myself away from this screen. I'd like to think I can get back to that place that I like to call the "real world" and no I don't mean the reality show. I've packed up my stuff and I'm headed off. I think a clearing of my head is in order. I'm starting to feel as if my life is in slow motion which I'm realizing as I write this is not the bad thing that I was thinking it was. Maybe it's just the lazy days of summer creeping up on me or maybe it's just me relaxing long enough to let myself breathe. Whatever it is I like it, it's as if I've finally cut myself a break and I can just be. I just hope this doesn't become the calm before the storm. I try to stay upbeat in my journal entries but sometimes my sarcasm just weasels its way in and I can't help myself so bear with me. Then again sometimes I can lose myself in a metaphor and I can't remember exactly where I was going to begin with anyways. I try to write things that other people would want to read, but then I remember that sometimes I have to write for me and if someone else finds it interesting they hey we both win. I don't really know if my life is interesting, I don't know if anyone's life is interesting, I've never idolized anyone, never, not in my whole life. I've never looked up to anyone, which as I write it I feel like it makes me look bad. As if I have no ideals, no goals, no ambitions. I just have always strived to be me and be who I am and to not be generic. Although one of my biggest fears is that I will become generic and I will be like everyone else because when you look at me I look just the same as anyone, but I think I'm not. I couldn't explain to you why I'm not and I really don't know why I'm sitting here writing about me. I could write about the war or AIDS or famine and poverty and trouble in the middle east but I write about me, just me. That makes me feel self centered and small and petty. Sometimes I don't know any better and sometimes I do. I feel I could do so much if I just knew how. Or if I just had the nerve to step over that imaginary line holding me back. Does anyone know that line I'm talking about? If I could just break out of this mold, if only.....if only..... Read more! Read more!

Summertime........almost

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Well, I know I've been plugging summer for awhile but today is June first and that's pretty much officially summer for me. I couldn't be more excited. I'm really ready for this. I have about two months till I start school and I have to admit I'm a bit nervous . about that. The schedule starts early, eight thirty a.m to be exact, that's pretty early for me. Oh, well I suppose I shall get used to it. THere is really not a whole lot else for me to journal about today. Errands to run, places to go, people to see. I must be on my way. More later..... Read more! Read more!

The Journal Of Carolyn D.

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Tuesday, the fan's making the same peculiar noise it always makes. The scene has not really changed too much. Sleep came easy last night. Exhaustion had set it and my eyes could not stay awake. I waited for the tears to come but they wouldn't. So I slept and he stayed. The overwhelming grief that had encompassed me before was now filled with something even worse but I don't know yet what it is.
Awake I am now, waiting. watching. Too tired to clean, too awake to just sit. Not knowing where I'm going, not certain where I've been. Longing for something I can never have. Scared. Lonely. Sad. This is my journal. Read more! Read more!

I'm Heading Into Summer Yet I Feel As Heavy As November

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This is officially the kickoff of summer, Memorial Day Weekend. I don't know how the weather is where everybody else is at, but here in Chicago, the weather is awful. Cold and rainy and it's almost as if it's depicting my mood. I feel as if life goes in cycles. I have my good years and my bad years, my on years and my off years. The seasons that rock and the seasons that I just wanna sleep through. Is it that way for everyone or am I alone on this madness? I want to be lighthearted, I try to keep these type of posts to a minimum and throw them in the journal section and leave the good reads at the top. I have some nagging feelings that I cannot seem to work out. I feel disjointed, disconnected and above all disgruntled.I feel, about all I feel and I feel too much lately and that's all there really is to it. Read more! Read more!

Being the Big Bad Wolf Sure Has Its Drawbacks

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So I sat here and took it, like an adult would calmly, rationally until I really lost it and decided that eliminating all of his property was the best idea. Probably not my best move, but he was leaving me and I had been dreading this all week. Still it felt like someone had shot me in the heart and my arms and my legs because I had this dead weight like I just couldn't move. Still an hour later and he keeps on calling, no matter how many times I hit the ignore button he keeps on calling dare I pick up only to hear about how awful I am over and over again. I'm the bad one, I'm mean, I'm cruel yet I'm the one sitting here crying over spilled milk. Being bad isn't always so great, it still hurts just as much to have your heart torn in two. Just this once I thought I could make a relationship work and then to have it torn out from under me once again is just shattering. I can't even write its as if I'm out of words which never happens to me but it's happened now......... Read more! Read more!

What I won't do for a buck

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To prevent myself from eating Ramen noodles I have found it necessary that I must keep a job of some sorts, the one I picked or rather the one that was chosen for me is really not in my best interests and oh I am being so serious. This is what I do, I stand around, pour wine for people who really don't care about the wine at all, smile when I really don't want to, stand around, talk to people in grocery stores, try not to laugh when people act like they're drunk off the ounce of wine I have poured them, try not to be irritated when people think it's my fault that seventeen dollars is a lot to pay for a bottle of wine (it's a good thing I kept them away from the seventy dollar bottles that I would drink if I had the money) and then I do some more standing around. Occasionally I talk on my cell phone and irritate people but what's a girl to do when she's tired and bored and really not cut out to be the free sample lady of the liquor kingdom? I bet no one's noticed that I really, really don't like what I do, but I do it anyways like most people that hate their jobs. The perks, I get a lot of free booze. I keep telling myself that it's going to be over soon but how does that help you in the moment, any advice on that anyone? How do you get through the minutes and the hours and the days? Like today, there was no one in the store, no one. So dead you could bowl down the aisles, I probably should have. I served nine samples in a four hour period, the goal is two hundred. There was just no one there and nothing could be done about it. But to me it was so extremely frustrating cause I felt to trapped because it's just so something that is just so not me. So I wrote a two page complaint to the company to fill my time and hopefully that will alleviate myself from feeling like I wasted time, probably not since I have to go do it again tomorrow but it was worth a shot I suppose. Anyways, I have complained way too much about this. I feel as if all I do is complain, complain, complain yet I cannot seem to stop it. It's as if no matter how hard I try the negativity wins out and I am just taken over by this big black cloud and I hate it. I can't seem to bring myself over the line between writing about my true feelings and living that bubble gum existence and I'm scared that I may be wrong because of that. I fear that there may be something wrong with me because I have these feelings and because I'm willing to show them. I don't really know, all I know is today I was frustrated and when I write I write deep and it usually cuts to the core and that leaves me a little unsettled and a little unsure as to how to deal with myself. Maybe I'm just not a simple person because I just cannot stop analyzing myself and everything around me and I would love to stop but I just cannot do it. I really wish I knew if this was good or bad, maybe that's not possible to know right now I wish I could stop writing but the words just keep coming and coming and it's like I'm being pushed to just let it out. Maybe I just need to learn how I work, maybe we all just need to learn how we work. This probably is not interesting to anyone else but me, I don't really know if it is even interesting to me, but it's real and to me that's what matters, being real.
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Speculation on a series of unforgettable events

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I often relate to my feelings through artwork and colors, hence the picture on the right. I needed a happy picture so there is the flower I created less than a week ago. I like to dabble in art to express my emotions and this one captures my feelings right now, maybe that is hard for someone else to grasp but for me it makes all the sense in the world. I woke up this morning with a peculiar feeling. I realized that over the last twenty four hours I had been feeling quite a bit overwhelmed. I wrote and wrote and wrote till I literally could not do it anymore. I wrote until the thoughts were out of my head. I'm not even sure if I created interesting material or material that made sense or if it was anything that anybody would want to read. I sometimes find it difficult to write both for me and for a wider audience and I get stuck. Hmm, if anyone can put up with my brain being a little cluttered these days I have some really good ideas and I will be writing some more soon so keep checking back as I clear my head and begin writing some more. Be back soon!!
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One More Time......

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I felt as if I was a little too cynical in my last post. So being me I had to obsess over that while I tidied up the pit that is known as my desk. Obsess I will because its just in my nature so I'm back for one more round. I feel as if I neglect my day to day life and get a little too deep sometimes and that's when I begin to scare myself. I think I have really good insight sometimes but sometimes I just want to be twenty three and simple, really simple. Speaking of obsessions again, wow that really is a hot button issue with me lately isn't it? I want to obsess over things like guys and shoes and my ringtone on my cell phone and the latest fashion trends and believe me I do. I just sometimes slip into that other me who ages herself about thirty years and then I freak out over it. Maybe today I was just carrying too many emotions and there's not enough me to handle it. You know what I do though when I get like that, I laugh at myself. I step back from it and laugh at myself and I realize that it's not that big of a deal and life is not that serious all the time. So right now I'm really happy because I went to a dentist that actually kept my appointment and explained to me what was going and did not have to pull my tooth, plus I had a nice walk there. And on top of that I'm going to go eat spaghettios!!! So there!! Ok and this is where the giggles come in, ahhh free therapy, its the best. I'm perfectly content now and I can go find something else to obsess over like my financial aid form that I must fill out for my appointment for cosmetology school tomorrow. Thats big stuff, so is laundry, giggles again......I'm going to leave giggling.....
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My brain is full but my tummy on the other hand.....

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Right now my tummy's grumbling. Although my head is full, full of thoughts. My thoughts are just consuming me today and I'm not sure why. I think that's why I just keep writing and writing and writing away. It's almost as if I can't stop. I used to journal pen to paper and then I learned that I could do it a lot faster on the computer and here I am today. Today hasn't been an unpleasant day or an unusual day. I did some chores, went to the dentist, saw my brother for fourteen seconds, bothered my dad at work, bothered my boyfriend at work, attempted to eat cereal and cheez its but this toothache I have just won't let me get any food down. I was busy, yet the thoughts keep coming. Read more! Read more!

Eighty Degrees and Climbing and I don't Know What To Do With Myself

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My computer tells me it's eighty degrees outside, it's beautiful out there and yet all I can do is sit here and write. I have this overwhelming feel that I need to just sit here and keep typing. I need to keep typing until whatever it is that is bothering me subsides. It's like I have this nagging feeling inside of me that just won't go away and the worst part is I really cannot identify it. It's almost as if I got one part of my life figured out so now I have to deal with other things. Things that I can't even really begin to start sorting out. It's almost as if I'm hitting that moment in my life where I feel myself begin to turn. I think you may know what I am talking about. That moment or time where you feel as if everything familiar is starting to become strange. Where you feel as if you are starting on a new path. A path that may be frightening and scary and you are still clinging to the past because you really don't know how else to react. I sort of feel as if that is where I am at. I'm really trying to go into this with an open mind, but it still scares me. It scares me because I don't know where I'll be or where I'm going. It scares me because I don't know what is going to change and what is going to stay the same. I know it is inevitable but facing it is so hard and writing about it makes it easier and harder at the same time. By writing about it I am acknowledging its existence and at the same time making myself feel better by releasing it out of my system. I am at a loss for words but I'm sure there will be more. I must do the things I have to do today so I am going to pry myself away from the computer even though I could write all day today, but I have to finish things. More later......
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Four Eyes Are Better Than Two But Are Two Hearts Better Than One?

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I think that's how I feel right now, but it's kind of a silent scream, because if I really screamed like that, the neighbor's would not be happy. Well, maybe not it's almost ten o'clock in the morning, no they still wouldn't be happy. Sigh...I'm feeling a little bit lost today. I'm really not sure why. Although I'm wondering if I'm still beating around the bush like I was last night in my last post. I'm wondering if that fear still has me and it's gripping me in that silent scream. I'm looking at the terror in that woman's eyes, sometimes I see that reflected in me, but then I can't figure out what I'm really afraid of. There is nothing that scary, nothing that I can't handle and yet I just want to crawl under the covers and hide. Yet I have to be a big girl because that's what I am, yep, thats what I am. Wait, let me reassure myself again, thats what I am. One more time? No, I got it. See that was me talking to myself, convincing myself that it's ok. Sometimes it's stressful being me, but then I stop and think, it's probably stressful for everybody and why should I be the one thinking I've got it so hard. I really feel like that picture somedays, I really feel like that picture today. I feel as if I don't run from where I am, if I don't stop and scream this life will consume me. I don't like to write about relationships, I don't like to bring my personal life and lay it out on the table. But two hearts are they better than one? One can't hurt you, one can't deceive you, one can't lie to you, one can't manipulate you and one can't break on it's own. But can one survive on its own? I really don't know and I'll admit that I don't have a clue when it comes to this. I'm mixed up today and it's only ten o'clock, it's going to be a long day. I think I will add more later. Read more! Read more!

Full Speed Ahead.....

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I'm jumping, I'll admit I'm leaping. Full out, arms and legs flailing off the diving board feet first first, ten feet above the water and I'm plunging in. And I'm going to come up soaking wet, we'll see if that's a good thing or a bad thing. A week ago I had no idea what I was doing the next day, well I still kind of don't but I seem to have a clearer goal now. I'm also sitting here surrounded by forms. I can't believe that I thought cosmetology school was for people who couldn't get into college. Wow, was I wrong. First of all they gave me a test. Sure it was a pretty simple test, but still it was a logics test. Plus you have to have gone to high school, you have to have references and you have to have some substantial money, which is where I'm stuck right now. I'm sitting here with my good friend the FAFSA. I didn't really plan on filling out one of those again. That was another misconception I had about cosmetology school, money. I didn't think I would have to take out a loan to go to a school like this. But of course I picked the most expensive one cause I believe it is the best one, so point being here I am. I'm not eighteen anymore and its time to do this myself. In one way I'm really happy, but there's still a part of me that can't shake the fact that most of the people I went to high school with have just graduated from four year colleges. But once again, I'm not them. One of my regrets is that I didn't figure this out four years ago, instead I had been so caught up on what everyone else was doing that I had to do the same. Which in turn turned out to be a big mistake for me. I just hope I can do this and realize this can be good for me. I just want to know that I don't have to do what other people did to still be good enough. To still be equal, that's all I really want. And I want to get out of the job I have now. Pouring wine for people that don't care is not my idea of something I want to stick with. Not at all. So I'm going to sit here and go through the forms and try and sort this mess out, stay tuned for the update.

-C
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First Day, but of what???

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It's Thursday, not a special Thursday of any sort but I feel as if it should be special. I've been sitting around all day just doing simple tasks. Getting my stuff ready for the job I absolutely cannot stand, but for some reason it seems a lot better now. My life in the past week has improved greatly. It's like I finally got back on track. For the past six months I've been stumbling around hating myself, hating my life, hating everyone and everything in the world around me. It's as if I couldn't get enough of the self pity that I was just laying on myself. And letting myself soak in it. But things are better, suddenly I just love everyone again. And I love everything again cause now I have direction, now i have a goal now I have a plan. When I left school last September I didn't really know what I was going to do. I assumed that I would just work and that would be enough. But then after I was in a car accident and I no longer had a car, work became difficult and the money stopped and everything just piled on top of me. There were bills to pay that I couldn't afford and everything was just one big giant mess. Seems as if there always is a resolution and there is and there was and I've returned from where I was and now I'm starting over, day one, today. So here I am, this is my beginning post. If anyone actually reads this site, I welcome you, if not I guess its just me writing to myself. Either way its a win/win situation so I'm happy. Enough said, I will write more later.

-C
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