If I Were A Scale And Somebody Has A Weight I Might Just Tip

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I know, I know and if you give a mouse a cookie he may just ask for a glass of milk. If he knew what was good for him he'd ask for a jack and coke, hold the coke. I'm feeling a bit rambunctious tonight does anyone want to throw that extra weight on there? Actually what I was really referring to was the temptation to begin to write about the drama of the celebrity world. I just got through reading the "heart wrenching" saga of Paris Hilton. Which I believe is turning into the longest running soap opera ever. Give me a break seriously. If I even began to start with my life story it would be a hell of a lot more interesting that her little sob story.
Point is I'm just a regular person, but what really is regular? When we are little kids and in school isn't the teacher always telling us that we are special? Aren't out mommies and daddy's telling us that we are special? Granted we aren't abused and we come from decent families. So why is it that when we become adults we have to put with this nonsense that there is a line drawn that seperates people from one another. I fear I am becoming a little idealistic with this post but bear with me. I'm also afraid the inner hippie in me is coming out and I may have to dig out the birkenstocks and tye dye t shirts.
Money is the bottom line, you know that, I know that. Paris Hilton sitting in her cell refusing to eat peas knows that. What do we do with it though? I've been bothered the las couple of days by the fact that there never is enough money, I really should be used to this, but I'm not, maybe I never will be. I don't want to famous, I don't want to be a celebrity. Truthfully, I don't think I even know what I want.
Money cannot buy happiness, it cannot buy love, but it sure can help. It sure cann manipulate and coerce and control people. It drives people, it moves people and it destroys people. Wanting and needing are two different things and I don't know if me or anyone else knows how to differentiate.
I guess that where I was going with all this is that I feel stuck because I don't have everything I want and I don't think its completely due to money or the lack thereof. I like to laugh when someone famous and with a lot of money gets stuck doing something that they can't stand because how many times would I have liked to have had the money to buy my way out of something instead of just having to bite the bullet. Or been able to have something I really wanted or give someone I love something they really wanted.
I don't think there's an answer that will make me happy so I do my best to suck it up and laugh once in awhile cause right its just money and fame and the thought of Paris Hilton in jail is way too good to pass up, way too good! Read more! Read more!

Are Diamond's Really A Girls Best Friend, Only When She's Not The One Losing Her Hand Over It

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I went to an art fair yesterday and I was slightly disappointed. It was the Old Town Art fair in Chicago and I have been going for about six or seven years now. Although this year it was extremely different from all the other years I have been there and I was slightly disappointed. There was lots of expensive art that I could just not get into. I bring this up because the picture on my post is obviously someone's artistic version of a diamond. I have mixed feelings about it. (via highkick)

Diamond's conjure up all sorts of different feelings. The first most obvious feeling I can associate with a diamond is the engagement ring. Most girls wait forever to receive this coveted prize. The bigger the better, at least that's how I think it goes since I haven't put much thought into it. Ok that's a total and blatant lie. I have pictures in my drawer of what I want mine to look like although the prospects of me getting engaged and married are extremely slim to none at this point in time.
The social meaning behind a diamond is very apparent after all a diamond is forever right? Well not in this day and age, what does a diamond really mean anyways? Plus now women are buying their own "right hand" rings taking the association of a diamond away.
Then there's the dark side of the diamond industry. This put chills down my spine when I learned of it. I don't really completely understand everything so I don't want to open my mouth about things I don't completely understand but all I know is that there are people being murdered and abused and all sorts of horrible things under the rule of horrible people all so that we can have our diamonds, something seems right about that to me. No, not seems, I know something is wrong about that.
It makes me not want to promote that industry at all. Yet there's still the allure, it's as if I am so attracted to the bling of a diamond yet I know how corrupt the industry is and how I want to turn a blind eye but I know I can't. Sometimes I wish I was born without a conscience, maybe that's not exactly how I should word it or what exactly I mean but I think anyone reading this would know exactly what I meant by that.
What do you do when you know that horrible things are going on but they are so far out of your grasp that you really cannot do anything to stop them? Do you turn a blind eye, do you walk the other way? It's almost like how do you choose your battles, where do you fight and where do you sit on the sidelines? There's tough questions out there and they don't get easier as you get older I'm learning.
Well those "diamonds" are nice, in a metal kind of way! Maybe I'll stick to those and I don't have to feel any guilt about them. Decisions get tougher and tougher. I don't think I have any answers for anything right now. I just have to keep on letting my brain run and keep on going. That's my thoughts for now. Hopefully I got someone thinking about something. Read more! Read more!

The Bases Are Loaded, I'm on Third Headed for Home In A Game I Didn't Really Wan't To Play

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Batter up, it's summer and baseball's in full swing and apparently so am I. But I've somehow signed up for games I don't want to play. Yep, that's right somehow I'm standing on third with the bases loaded and the pitcher's about to throw the ball. What choice to I have but to run and slide into home? I don't want to do it, I never wanted to play this game anyway, but I did. So like any ball player I'm gonna suck it up and play. Headed straight for that plate, headfirst into the dirt and hopefully I'll come up ok.
If this metaphor is leaving you confused don't worry I'm just as confused and trying to ease my mind. I've never actually slid into home plate but I think I'm about to and no I am not making a sexual reference in any way shape or form, that would be so much easier to explain.
I'm trapped just as if I were on third base and had no where to run but home, except its not my home and not my situation and not my problem. I feel as if my life has swung in a direction I can't control and all I can do is hold on and hope it ends up alright. And run, run for home even though I don't want to, but I guess I have to because sometimes we sign up for things that we didn't expect and the end results are different and now here we are sliding headfirst into the unknown. Will we be safe or will we be out? Will we win the game or will we go home second place? Where am I going? I can't stand on third forever and that pitcher is getting ready to throw and that batter is going to hit that ball and I have to run, because if I don't, well then, I suppose everyone else would just crash into me. You can't stand still, we move in life for a reason and that's what I have to do. If my baseball metaphor seems a bit scattered excuse me I'm running on lack of sleep and food and I've seen too many Cubs games and scores lately and everything is running together. Strike one, there won't be a strike two, I'm going to play now. Read more! Read more!

Glimpses of the past more like audio clips ringing through my ears

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I had some time to kill yesterday so I was wandering through some stores in my neighborhood. I went into this one store and I really cannot remember the name of it as I write this post. It was kind of a punk type store which was not unusual for the neighborhood I was in. Lots of skater stuff, stickers, postcards and the like. But what caught my attention was the music blaring out of the speakers. I heard a tune I hadn't heard in years and it brought me back in time. Now I really cannot remember the name of the song and I'm a bit blurry on who sings it. I'm torn between if it was Alkaline Trio or some local band whose singer I was in love with back when I was eighteen.
All I know is that it brought me back in time. Back to a place when I want to say life was simple, although it really wasn't. I kind of feel as if I am the narrator for the Wonder Years and I am looking back on my life to a soundtrack of music. This one song has brought me so far back even though it's only about five years. I can't believe I was that young and that impressionable and that fascinated with bands and people and places. If only that was me now.
Yet, I would never want to go back to that place. I really like the person I have become and I would never want to be eighteen again. Although I mentioned before some of the memories I have are turbulent some of them are bittersweet. Crushing on a boy in a band, late night phone calls, music that depicts your life. The good and the bad balanced each other out.
Now my life is more realistic and much more adult. It's like that music brought me back to a place where I still had a bit of childhood left in me and a bit of a yearning to be an adult. It was a stepping stone to where I am now.
It's nice to walk down memory lane once in awhile, but I would never go back. I like being an adult and I think I'll stay here, not as if I had a choice. Thank you's go out to that unknown store and that unknown band for giving me a bit of a memory. It made me realize just how far I've come and how far I can go. Read more! Read more!

I've Had It With The WIne When The Social Politics Are Ringing In My Ears

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I've complained about my job on here before and I'm afraid that's all I've done is complain, well I've had it and I'm done with it. I experienced a bit of a social issue that led me to the end of it. Now I'm fully aware of the fact that other people might find this a bit over the top and a bit self righteous but something about the incident last week just pushed my buttons. Maybe the fact that I still don't understand everything about city life got to me. Or maybe the fact that it made me feel incompetent or maybe just the fact that I feel I did nothing wrong. Or maybe it's just simply the fact that I kind of like to stir things up, but here it is, it went down like this, whether you think I overreacted or not, this is what happened. As a disclaimer this certainly is not the only reason why I chose to leave this job, it is simply the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was innocently pouring wine when a man came up to me and asked for a sample, he looked a bit "weathered" but in the store I usually work in that is not the least bit uncommon. So I poured him a sample as he was well over twenty one and I saw nothing wrong with it. He walked away and I did not see him again. About twenty minutes later I start seeing armed police officers patrolling the store and suddenly a security guard comes up to me and I realize that something wasn't right about him. The security guard tells me that this man was a homeless man and I cannot give him samples. More accurately I am to ask him for ID and then deny him a sample. Wait, stop.
I was trained to give samples to anyone CLEARLY over twenty one that is not intoxicated. Now, I'm sure anyone reading this is thinking "what an idiot how did you not know he was homeless?" Honestly, I kind of figured it out immediately after the fact, but I could not come up with a reason to deny him a sample, it was free and he's legally over twenty one.
Now I'm so sure someone can argue this with me, "he probably is an alcoholic" "he doesn't need the alcohol" "drain on society" and so on and so forth. I'm still subscribing to the school of thought that people are equal and I can't replace the nagging feeling that I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he was an alcoholic but who am I to tell him he can't drink? Who are any of us to tell other people when and how tto stop our addictions?
I'm not really sure why I'm bothered by this and this is certainly not the only reason why I'm not doing this job anymore but it really got to me. Who is the better person and who gets to tell others how to control their vices? All this trouble for an ounce of wine seems unneccesary. Maybe I'm young and I just don't understand and anyone that wants to explain it to me please do because if there is something I'm missing I really would like to know. I'm just sitting over here lost in thought and confused about how we treat people who we should really be helping instead of shunning and isolating. That's my thoughts for the day. Read more! Read more!

I May Not Have Dolls To Dress Up But The Internet Seems To Have Found A Remedy For This

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I swore I was done with the dollz, but inside every adult woman, there is a little girl dying to play dress up and today my inner girl came out.

I don't have actual dolls anymore to dress in fancy clothes but it seems that technology, has a remedy for that, like it has for many things. You can visit dollzmania.net and create a very own doll of your own. With it's customizable drop and click doll maker making your very own doll is just a few clicks away. From preppy to gothic the possibilities are endless and all they ask of you is that you provide a link back to their site. I had discovered this trend a few years back but upon revisiting it this morning I learned that it is still going strong. I really had despised it until this morning when I realized there is a certain therapy and creativity in creating something even if it is on a computer screen. Why you can even create a doll in your likeness to use as your icon or on your own blog or website. Like I said before the possibilities really are endless. Now that I am hooked on it again I'm sure I will be creating more dollz than I can possibly imagine. Plus saving them is easy as you can download them right to your computer with no problems at all so you do not have to worry about losing your work. Simple, cute and a little bit of fun. Formerly reserved for the teenage crowd I think everyone could get a little smile out of these dollz, I know I did. Once again these can be found at dollzmania.net Read more! Read more!

Confessions from the Dental Chair

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Today I went into the oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. It was really nothing too extreme but it sparked some revelations that can only be described in the following manner. Since this was just a standard extraction I was referred to the oral surgeon only because I have a problem keeping my mouth open, that's a really funny thought to anyone that knows me because I'm sure they will tell you my problem is just the opposite. So it was determined that I was to undergo the procedure under anesthesia and thus my story begins.
I had to be placed under anesthesia just to remove the troublesome tooth and I was a bit uncomfortable with this idea. I had little time to be uncomfortable although because before I knew it the IV drip was in my arm and the oxygen mask was over my face. I was never fully under because I can remember most details of the surgery, feeling no pain and only pressure it was not an uncomfortable experience and my time spent in the dentist's chair was not all that uncomfortable or painful.
I spent the rest of the day laying on the couch watching HGTV and re runs of whatever tv shows I could find on daytime television. I've been eating lots of ice cream and butterscotch pudding as I've been told this will be easy on my sore mouth. I have to admit that I was scared of getting this tooth pulled. I think I was more scared of the unknown, which is a common theme among the human race. But I faced it, well more or less I was thrown into it and I survived. It's been a long day and I made it through somehow.
From the dentist's chair back to my chair I've learned that I can be a grown up and still be scared and I can get through things and be ok all at the same time. If that last sentence made any sense at all! Maybe this will be of use for things in the future, maybe it won't, whatever it was it was a good day and my mouth will heal and I will heal and be good as new in no time at all. Hopefully soon because I would really, really like some solid food! Read more! Read more!

One for the money, two for the show and I feel a bad joke coming on......

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I'd like to comment on something, precisely what I really don't know. But if I knew I'd be the first to comment on it, you can bet on that. I'm pretty sleepy right now it's been a really long day. Forms to fill out and shopping and eating and driving, all not necessarily in that order. Long but productive and satisfying, that is in that order. I noticed something today, not only have I grown up, but my friends have grown up too. I've been so busy focusing on my own personal growth I haven't taken the time to look around me to notice that everyone else has reached a new point too. I don't think I can make much sense of this right now since I am so extremely tired but it's almost as if there was an end to an era and the beginning of a new one and for once, I don't feel afraid. I really feel like in a place where I fit, which is a new feeling for me. I've adapted to my life and grown into it and that's really about all I've got for now, I surely will add to this topic in the morning, but for now good night!
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Silent Pleas Fall on Deaf Ears or Do They?

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I have to admit I'm feeling a little bit of writer's block tonight maybe due to the fact that it was gorgeous outside today and I just want to soak it up a little bit longer. Hmm, I think that was a lie, I think my writer's block comes from a fear of opening up. A fear of being exposed, a fear of telling too much to the wrong people at the wrong time. Or maybe the right people at the right time. I fear a lot, maybe we all do. Fear is a great motivator, it's also a great excuse to keep us from moving out of our comfort zones. Fear, yeah it is a four letter word, funny huh? So what am I afraid of? Well, it would be silly if I told you all. That would ruin the purpose of me writing this. Truth is, I'm not really sure. I'm probably afraid of a lot of things. Not living up to the image of myself that I have so ingrained in my head. Not becoming the person I want to be, the person others want me to be. Never making it, whatever "it" really is. Or letting down the people I love. Strap that all on my back and I have a huge cross to carry, bigger than I can manage at times. So what I do, well I live, that's all I really can do. That's all any of us can do really. I've started to open up to the fear inside of me right now and hopefully someday I can completely open that door. But for right now I'll just work on breaking the writer's block and see what comes out when I do, seems like I managed to muster up some courage and knock out something right here, I'm satisfied, anybody else?
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Tattoos, Taboo, and the Holy Ghost

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I wanted to be a writer, among other things. During my year at what I like to call a "real" college, I wrote a lot. I took two composition classes while I was there and I enjoyed both of them quite a bit. During the course of my Composition I class I wrote a paper which has pretty much remained my favorite paper of all time. It was all about getting my first tattoo. I got to explore how tattoos are both traditional and taboo and how the co-exist in our society. Being the proud "owner" of not one but three tattoos I can relate. I've always got someone who loves them and thinks they're great and I've always got someone who looks at me like I'm the devil. Then again, I don't really care. I did it for me. I did it for me because I need something to prove I'm here, I need something to prove I stood in that place at that time and I was really there. I need that marking, I need that symbol, I need that memory. My tattoos are not really that symbolic to the outsider but to me they mean things, they mark time, they represent growth, they represent an era. I've had a lot of older people tell me that at twenty three how can I have that much time to mark? Well, I can and I will. My next tattoo is going to be a memorial. To mark an animal that I cherished who is no longer with me. If there's someone that wants to criticize that, then fine, but I think that is a really naive and a really ignorant way to act and a way to live your lives. If there is one thing that I've learned so far about life, it's this, well two things. One, people are funny, we all have our quirks and our fears and our insecurities and they all come out in different ways and in different times and places. And it doesn't make anybody any better or any worse than anybody else, actions aside. Two, life goes on and it always will. Wounds heal, hearts heal, time heals you. I kinda feel though sometimes you need something to mark that time, to remember, so the memory of a person, a place, a feeling, a moment, doesn't fade away. That's what tattoos mean to me, it's very simple really. All I've got left to say is I'm excited for my next one.

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Part 1

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I really don't know where I'm going with this, but I think it's ok. I don't know what people want to read, I don't know what people want to hear so I can only be myself. I suck at being me lately. I suck at being good lately, whatever being good means. I suck at being a friend, I suck at being a sister, I suck at being a daughter, I suck at being a girlfriend, I just feel kind of sucky to be blatantly honest. I forget to call people back, I don't show up where I'm supposed, I let mean comments slide because I don't know how to let my real feelings show. There I said it, I don't know what I'm doing really. I try to be better and it's just not good enough. What is good enough? Would someone tell me what is good enough? What is the magic dividing line where bad becomes good and I reach over the threshold and I'm in the shining light again? Someone please tell me because I can't figure it out on my own. This is all about starting over right? Well I've wiped the slate clean so many times I'm afraid it's starting to show some wear and tear. I wonder if I don't deserve to have my heart broken. I have more questions but I don't really have the heart to ask them right now.......
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Obsessions

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Ok so I thought I would be able to maintain this blog without seeping into my obsessions, but it wouldn't be me if we didn't go that route so here goes nothing. My name is Carolyn and I am a shoe-a-holic. There it feels a little better now that I got it out. That picture right there is a very small piece of the puzzle. Heels, wedges, flats, flip flops, boots I've got em all. And I can't stop buying them. I tend to look at it as a collection, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I like to look at what people collect because I think it says something about them. I haven't quite figured out what the shoes say about me yet. I'm kind of scared to be honest. Fashion is a big thing to me and I take it kind of seriously, some would say too seriously but to me it's important. I don't think it makes me shallow, I don't think it makes me stupid. I look at it as another way to create. Sometimes I can't share things with the people around me so I'm opening up to a virtual audience who I'm not even sure exists, but for me its easier this way. So let me have my quirks and I won't tell anyone about yours either, deal? Everyone obsesses about something, sometimes its healthy sometimes not so much. I like to think about things like this, it fascinates me. I can think about so many things in a single day its hard to make my brain stop. I think thats why it is so hard for me to find one single career. I finally settled into something because I realized I can do something for a living and have outside interests as well. When I was in college I felt so trapped. I felt bound to what I was studying. I felt as if I couldn't go into any other subjects or any other areas because I was on this path. This path that would lead me somewhere, to something. But no one ever told me exactly what that something was and that scared me. It didn't really scare me at first, but as I kept going I felt more scared and more uncertain. I thought I was supposed to feel more confident and more assured of my future as I went on, but the opposite happened. It's like I was a train on a path and I couldn't stop to see any of the sights along the way. Papers and exams and tests and research projects, I did them all and I did really well. But that train didn't know its destination and I got scared and I crashed. I'm kinda glad I did. Sometimes I wish I had kept on going but if I did I think I would be miserable. I've always known what's been right for me and sometimes I've taken the wrong path, but I've always gotten myself out of it. So I have a few obsessions, who doesn't? On an end note, nobody ever said trial and error was easy

-C
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