Fighting My Way Through The Darkness

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In the last twenty four hours I've felt my emotions rise and drop more times than I care to count and the numbers are still rising. Old friends, new friends, nostalgia, throw some liquor and some chinese food on top of all that and you've got me whimpering in my sleep. Yeah, I'm overloaded, I can go from point a to b to z and back to b again and again. But I can never seem to find the point that I know in my heart is right for me.I know what I need but I seem to be lost in a web of could haves and would haves and should haves. What would have happened if I hadn't said this to this person on this certain day on this certain time and would I be sitting here right now at all? I can't live with the reality that I have created for myself and the path I need to forge for myself seems to tricky to navigate right now so I'm laying in wait. But I can't do that much longer. Prince Charming isn't coming and I don't have a glass slipper, I've realized my fate is my own and at some point very soon time is going to catch up to me and I am going to have to own my actions and more importantly my feelings. I'm lost in transition, but not forgotten. I'll keep you posted.... Read more! Read more!

Dealing Versus Coping .......What's The Bigger Deal?

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Yesterday I wrote about coping techniques, i.e. my ever growing shoe collection. The latest addition to to the collection that threatens to take over my bedrom was a pair of jellies that cost me $2.50 at Target. There really is no relevance to me talking about jellies I'm just a tad bit curious if anyone else remembers them. Before I begin to ramble I am going to cut myself off and get to the point of my post, coping versus dealing or are they the same thing? Have I hit a good point yet?
You can cope with something in numerous ways, for me I shop or I cut my hair or dye it or in an extreme case of insanity I wind up with a tattoo or piercing because some guy that I was in love with has broken up with me and I feel it is necessary to mark something on my body, I make no claims to be normal. But how do we deal with things? I'm leaning towards the fact that coping and dealing are not the same.
In the matter of failed relationships coping seems to be the first step. Now ice cream and tequila come in handy at this stage, well not together of course. Then there is the infamous obligatory three am drunken text messaging session which usually follows the tequila. If you're lucky enough you have a best friend to pry the phone out of your feeble little hands. This is what I call coping, you can't deal with it so you cover it up with anything and everything possible, including that guys tongue that you just met at that sleazy bar Tuesday night.
Dealing, well that's different. I'm not real good with dealing cause dealing hurts much more. Coping is easy it's like putting a band aid on and forgetting about it, dealing is like ripping off he band aid and exposing that wound. Dealing is crying in the middle of the night when you realize there's no point in calling or texting anymore, when you realize that you are alone, that you're not going to get back together with this person, that you have to start over and most importantly that you're going to be ok.
I feel like I lost my point somewhere. I'm trying to understand the difference between dealing and coping myself and its not always easy. But I think its important.I hope I could shine some light on this topic for anyone else. Feedback would always be helpful.
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Ok, so I lied, again.....

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Yes, I know I said I would post yesterday. Now this probably doesn't mean a great deal to anyone else but me, but I guess I'm a bit sensitive. I feel the need to focus on my obsessions again which could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Notice once again I'm showing a picture of a shoe. Well this time I have a point. I buy shoes for a reason, other than the obvious. I guess shopping has become my therapy, especially lately.
I've wound up with so many pairs of shoes simply because shopping eases my discomfort or pain when I can't cope with life. In a way it's probably healthier than a lot of addictions, but it's beginning to become rather costly. But what am I to do. Thing's just aren't turning out the way I expected and in turn I'm going broke.
I'm listening to the Greg Behrendt show as I write this and they are talking about how men and women communicate and it got me thinking about more than shoes. It got me thinking about how it can be so easy to break a relationship and so hard to make one. On top of that who's fault is it really, it's easy to place blame on one person and it's easy to take the blame but I don't know if that's really fair.
I'm exhausted over the whole process of trying to make a relationship work and I wonder if it's worth it. How long does a person try for before they give up, and how much can one person take? When it starts to become a personal attack against you is that too much to take? What are the boundaries, I really don't know. I feel as if I am being told I am the problem but still I feel hurt. On top of it I don't even know how to fight back, I want to know if other people have felt this way or if this is something exclusive to me, something tells me it's not. Confusion, I just don't understand anything at this point and somehow shoe shopping is helping me cope. I wish I could help someone else and be useful but I'm afraid I can't even help myself at this point.
Is communication that difficult, is there some sort of male/female barrier that makes it impossible? Or am I just stuck and don't know where to go? I hope I am making some sense. Thank you to anyone that reads this, I'm off to hopefully have a peaceful day. Take care everyone! Read more! Read more!

Round Three....

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I took a bit of a hiatus, or something of the sort. I guess the obvious answer would be I got a bit busy and slacked a bit on the blog posting but this is my official "I'm back" post. I promise more content later in the day as soon as I figure out just what that content will be until then anyone reading this is left with, well, just this. I will be back. Read more! Read more!

I'll Be Your Good Luck Charm, Well Maybe Not Me But These Will

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I could use all the good luck I can get these days and these were too good to pass up. I thought I would pass these on for anyone else who could use a good luck charm. Silly as it seems I still hold on to the notion of luck. Sometimes it even seems to work for me. Maybe it's all in my head, maybe it's the power of positive thinking. Who really knows, maybe we can talk ourselves out of a situation. It seems we can talk ourselves into one, why not out of it? It always seems easier to fall into a trap than get out of one. It seems we would have to chew our own arm off to get away from something, but that is entirely off the topic of luck. I just wanted to pass along what I perceived as a good luck charm to anyone who may need a bit of luck in their lives. Here is an example, I hope you can find your own luck and maybe I'll find mine. Read more! Read more!

If I Were A Scale And Somebody Has A Weight I Might Just Tip

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I know, I know and if you give a mouse a cookie he may just ask for a glass of milk. If he knew what was good for him he'd ask for a jack and coke, hold the coke. I'm feeling a bit rambunctious tonight does anyone want to throw that extra weight on there? Actually what I was really referring to was the temptation to begin to write about the drama of the celebrity world. I just got through reading the "heart wrenching" saga of Paris Hilton. Which I believe is turning into the longest running soap opera ever. Give me a break seriously. If I even began to start with my life story it would be a hell of a lot more interesting that her little sob story.
Point is I'm just a regular person, but what really is regular? When we are little kids and in school isn't the teacher always telling us that we are special? Aren't out mommies and daddy's telling us that we are special? Granted we aren't abused and we come from decent families. So why is it that when we become adults we have to put with this nonsense that there is a line drawn that seperates people from one another. I fear I am becoming a little idealistic with this post but bear with me. I'm also afraid the inner hippie in me is coming out and I may have to dig out the birkenstocks and tye dye t shirts.
Money is the bottom line, you know that, I know that. Paris Hilton sitting in her cell refusing to eat peas knows that. What do we do with it though? I've been bothered the las couple of days by the fact that there never is enough money, I really should be used to this, but I'm not, maybe I never will be. I don't want to famous, I don't want to be a celebrity. Truthfully, I don't think I even know what I want.
Money cannot buy happiness, it cannot buy love, but it sure can help. It sure cann manipulate and coerce and control people. It drives people, it moves people and it destroys people. Wanting and needing are two different things and I don't know if me or anyone else knows how to differentiate.
I guess that where I was going with all this is that I feel stuck because I don't have everything I want and I don't think its completely due to money or the lack thereof. I like to laugh when someone famous and with a lot of money gets stuck doing something that they can't stand because how many times would I have liked to have had the money to buy my way out of something instead of just having to bite the bullet. Or been able to have something I really wanted or give someone I love something they really wanted.
I don't think there's an answer that will make me happy so I do my best to suck it up and laugh once in awhile cause right its just money and fame and the thought of Paris Hilton in jail is way too good to pass up, way too good! Read more! Read more!

Are Diamond's Really A Girls Best Friend, Only When She's Not The One Losing Her Hand Over It

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I went to an art fair yesterday and I was slightly disappointed. It was the Old Town Art fair in Chicago and I have been going for about six or seven years now. Although this year it was extremely different from all the other years I have been there and I was slightly disappointed. There was lots of expensive art that I could just not get into. I bring this up because the picture on my post is obviously someone's artistic version of a diamond. I have mixed feelings about it. (via highkick)

Diamond's conjure up all sorts of different feelings. The first most obvious feeling I can associate with a diamond is the engagement ring. Most girls wait forever to receive this coveted prize. The bigger the better, at least that's how I think it goes since I haven't put much thought into it. Ok that's a total and blatant lie. I have pictures in my drawer of what I want mine to look like although the prospects of me getting engaged and married are extremely slim to none at this point in time.
The social meaning behind a diamond is very apparent after all a diamond is forever right? Well not in this day and age, what does a diamond really mean anyways? Plus now women are buying their own "right hand" rings taking the association of a diamond away.
Then there's the dark side of the diamond industry. This put chills down my spine when I learned of it. I don't really completely understand everything so I don't want to open my mouth about things I don't completely understand but all I know is that there are people being murdered and abused and all sorts of horrible things under the rule of horrible people all so that we can have our diamonds, something seems right about that to me. No, not seems, I know something is wrong about that.
It makes me not want to promote that industry at all. Yet there's still the allure, it's as if I am so attracted to the bling of a diamond yet I know how corrupt the industry is and how I want to turn a blind eye but I know I can't. Sometimes I wish I was born without a conscience, maybe that's not exactly how I should word it or what exactly I mean but I think anyone reading this would know exactly what I meant by that.
What do you do when you know that horrible things are going on but they are so far out of your grasp that you really cannot do anything to stop them? Do you turn a blind eye, do you walk the other way? It's almost like how do you choose your battles, where do you fight and where do you sit on the sidelines? There's tough questions out there and they don't get easier as you get older I'm learning.
Well those "diamonds" are nice, in a metal kind of way! Maybe I'll stick to those and I don't have to feel any guilt about them. Decisions get tougher and tougher. I don't think I have any answers for anything right now. I just have to keep on letting my brain run and keep on going. That's my thoughts for now. Hopefully I got someone thinking about something. Read more! Read more!

My Good Mood Sunday Morning Sing Along

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It's a beautiful Sunday morning here in Chicago and I wanted to pass on my good mood to everyone, hope you are having a good day!

Happy Sunday Everyone!

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Where Exactly is the Focus?

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As if my mind isn't running on overdrive enough as it is already I am finding my writing has becoming more and more cluttered. I can't seem to find a focus here and my efforts to keep on a topic of interest are becoming less than triumphant. I don't care to write about Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan and I really could care less if they spend the rest of their lives behind bars. I don't want to delve any more into my own personal life but it's as my mind cannot seem to find anything to write of or speak of lately. I'm sure there are some topics out there that interest me but it seems as if I am writing about what I cannot write about which seems horribly boring and mundane. I've really begun to consider if that is just a reflection of my personality. I wonder if I could write sweeping editorials that would wow people, amazing stories about social injustice and political debate but the truth is I can't bring myself to care. The closest I came was my personal account about the homeless man and the wine sampling. For some reason that struck a nerve with me and I was able to be passionate about that. For everything else I seem to lack enthusiasm and truth be told that frightens me, not just a little but a lot, in fact a great big deal. It even keeps me up at night. I've dreamed of being a writer, of having an advice column of writing articles on relationships and being knowledgeable but it seems I can't even seem to find my way on a simple blog. I've been told over and over how well I write but it seems to be that I have fallen into an enormous case of writers block and I cannot seem to dig my way out of it, except to complain like I am doing now. My biggest fear is that I am just plain uninteresting. I want to write things that people find interesting and helpful and can connect with and I just don't see how me talking about my life is at all helpful. So I complain, again, and again and again. Maybe this is some sort of growing experience and I am just not seeing it right now, hopefully that is the case. Any feedback, anybody??? Read more! Read more!

In All Attempts To Keep Things In Running Order

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I really don't even want to write right now, but I feel an obligation to do so. I promised myself that I would not neglect this blog as I have done so with others in the past. Regardless of whether people read this or not it is important to me that I keep writing on here, so write I will. I go to great lengths to not go on and on about my personal relationships and not to delve into boring details but its almost as if I need to open up so here goes nothing. I've been rather abstract the last two weeks or so in my posts as I've tried to write about my relationship and how it's been suffering. I've tried to turn it into advice that may been useful to others. I've tried very hard to turn my pain into something that anyone reading it could possibly benefit from. Maybe because I first of all am private about my own life and second of all because I don't like to dwell on things and I like to try to find a use for everything. Right now though I am so overwhelmed that I can't help but bare my soul. I entered into this relationship almost a year ago with absolutely no expectations whatsoever, I was purely along for the ride. I had been hurt so bad in my last relationship that I never ever thought I could be happy with any guy ever again, but I was wrong. I soon found myself so happy and so in love I could barely believe it. It was like my world had changed. Little did I know it wouldn't last and so here I am sitting here absolutely heart broken that we can't seem to make this work and worse yet that he seems to see me as the main cause. I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe I'm hoping that seeing it on the screen will make it more real and I can accept it. I feel so alone and so lost. I just needed to post something and this is all I can think about. I'm sorry that I don't have anything better to say but I didn't want to not leave anything, me writing something is very important to me even if it's trivial. So thanks to anyone who actually read all this. Read more! Read more!

The Bases Are Loaded, I'm on Third Headed for Home In A Game I Didn't Really Wan't To Play

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Batter up, it's summer and baseball's in full swing and apparently so am I. But I've somehow signed up for games I don't want to play. Yep, that's right somehow I'm standing on third with the bases loaded and the pitcher's about to throw the ball. What choice to I have but to run and slide into home? I don't want to do it, I never wanted to play this game anyway, but I did. So like any ball player I'm gonna suck it up and play. Headed straight for that plate, headfirst into the dirt and hopefully I'll come up ok.
If this metaphor is leaving you confused don't worry I'm just as confused and trying to ease my mind. I've never actually slid into home plate but I think I'm about to and no I am not making a sexual reference in any way shape or form, that would be so much easier to explain.
I'm trapped just as if I were on third base and had no where to run but home, except its not my home and not my situation and not my problem. I feel as if my life has swung in a direction I can't control and all I can do is hold on and hope it ends up alright. And run, run for home even though I don't want to, but I guess I have to because sometimes we sign up for things that we didn't expect and the end results are different and now here we are sliding headfirst into the unknown. Will we be safe or will we be out? Will we win the game or will we go home second place? Where am I going? I can't stand on third forever and that pitcher is getting ready to throw and that batter is going to hit that ball and I have to run, because if I don't, well then, I suppose everyone else would just crash into me. You can't stand still, we move in life for a reason and that's what I have to do. If my baseball metaphor seems a bit scattered excuse me I'm running on lack of sleep and food and I've seen too many Cubs games and scores lately and everything is running together. Strike one, there won't be a strike two, I'm going to play now. Read more! Read more!

The River Does Run Wild Apparently Or So I Think.....

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Ok, I survived the outdoors. As if anyone was concerned that I really wouldn't make it. Here I go back into that valley girl tone again, I'm really trying to cut that out, really I am. It's worse than smoking or so I hear. Eight miles, one canoe and two kayaks and the process of me falling into the river three times I managed to come up, well soaking wet. I really don't think water sports are my thing. Or sports in general. But I tried it and thats what matters, right, right? Someone agree with me. Ok anyways, I'm home and I'm tan and I'm happy. Very tired but happy and I'm going to go on and write about something interesting now. Read more! Read more!

To Love Or Be Loved? We Really Should Do Away With Such Questions

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I realized that over the last week or so I've begun to come full circle on the relationship wheel. It's as if I've crashed and burned and then crashed and burned again and now I'm at point A again. So now the logical part of me realizes maybe that isn't quite full circle. I would like to believe it is though, I would like to believe I have something to offer the world in terms of relationship advice but I'm afraid I probably don't. I realize that I'm just twenty three years old and I don't know all that much about life or love or anything of the sort, but there are things I do know.
I traveled to England and France when I was eighteen and I was first introduced to the Love Is... comics in Paris's equivalent to the Subway. Touched by their simplicity and their honesty I took something out of that experience and it's stayed with me ever since.
Once again I really feel as if I don't know where to step and where to fall. At time I have felt so worldly and so on cue with the things going on around me. Then there are those times when that person or that thing can just knock the wind out of you and everything is out of place.
I think my point here is I don't know what love is, I don't know what its boundaries are, I don't know what it accepts, I don't know what it rejects. I don't know what it looks like and sometimes I'm not sure what it feels like. I know it's often hard to even say you love someone but sometimes I'm not even sure about that. Sometimes I wonder what the weight of our words are and what they carry. I just plain wonder.
It can be so easy to fall in love and often times harder to fall out of love. It's often times harder to talk about these things. I just wish there was an easy answer for a complicated thing, but that would be too easy. Besides I don't like things that are easy anyways. I think I'm running out of steam so I should end this. If you need a little reminder about the simplicity of love check out the Love Is page it puts a lot back into perspective.
Love Is...
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Sometimes I Wonder If I'm A Valley Girl Without Her Valley

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I am leaving the cave of my apartment for a few days to go on a bit of an adventure, which does mean prying myself away from this screen. I'd like to think I can get back to that place that I like to call the "real world" and no I don't mean the reality show. I've packed up my stuff and I'm headed off. I think a clearing of my head is in order. I'm starting to feel as if my life is in slow motion which I'm realizing as I write this is not the bad thing that I was thinking it was. Maybe it's just the lazy days of summer creeping up on me or maybe it's just me relaxing long enough to let myself breathe. Whatever it is I like it, it's as if I've finally cut myself a break and I can just be. I just hope this doesn't become the calm before the storm. I try to stay upbeat in my journal entries but sometimes my sarcasm just weasels its way in and I can't help myself so bear with me. Then again sometimes I can lose myself in a metaphor and I can't remember exactly where I was going to begin with anyways. I try to write things that other people would want to read, but then I remember that sometimes I have to write for me and if someone else finds it interesting they hey we both win. I don't really know if my life is interesting, I don't know if anyone's life is interesting, I've never idolized anyone, never, not in my whole life. I've never looked up to anyone, which as I write it I feel like it makes me look bad. As if I have no ideals, no goals, no ambitions. I just have always strived to be me and be who I am and to not be generic. Although one of my biggest fears is that I will become generic and I will be like everyone else because when you look at me I look just the same as anyone, but I think I'm not. I couldn't explain to you why I'm not and I really don't know why I'm sitting here writing about me. I could write about the war or AIDS or famine and poverty and trouble in the middle east but I write about me, just me. That makes me feel self centered and small and petty. Sometimes I don't know any better and sometimes I do. I feel I could do so much if I just knew how. Or if I just had the nerve to step over that imaginary line holding me back. Does anyone know that line I'm talking about? If I could just break out of this mold, if only.....if only..... Read more! Read more!

Glimpses of the past more like audio clips ringing through my ears

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I had some time to kill yesterday so I was wandering through some stores in my neighborhood. I went into this one store and I really cannot remember the name of it as I write this post. It was kind of a punk type store which was not unusual for the neighborhood I was in. Lots of skater stuff, stickers, postcards and the like. But what caught my attention was the music blaring out of the speakers. I heard a tune I hadn't heard in years and it brought me back in time. Now I really cannot remember the name of the song and I'm a bit blurry on who sings it. I'm torn between if it was Alkaline Trio or some local band whose singer I was in love with back when I was eighteen.
All I know is that it brought me back in time. Back to a place when I want to say life was simple, although it really wasn't. I kind of feel as if I am the narrator for the Wonder Years and I am looking back on my life to a soundtrack of music. This one song has brought me so far back even though it's only about five years. I can't believe I was that young and that impressionable and that fascinated with bands and people and places. If only that was me now.
Yet, I would never want to go back to that place. I really like the person I have become and I would never want to be eighteen again. Although I mentioned before some of the memories I have are turbulent some of them are bittersweet. Crushing on a boy in a band, late night phone calls, music that depicts your life. The good and the bad balanced each other out.
Now my life is more realistic and much more adult. It's like that music brought me back to a place where I still had a bit of childhood left in me and a bit of a yearning to be an adult. It was a stepping stone to where I am now.
It's nice to walk down memory lane once in awhile, but I would never go back. I like being an adult and I think I'll stay here, not as if I had a choice. Thank you's go out to that unknown store and that unknown band for giving me a bit of a memory. It made me realize just how far I've come and how far I can go. Read more! Read more!

Summertime........almost

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Well, I know I've been plugging summer for awhile but today is June first and that's pretty much officially summer for me. I couldn't be more excited. I'm really ready for this. I have about two months till I start school and I have to admit I'm a bit nervous . about that. The schedule starts early, eight thirty a.m to be exact, that's pretty early for me. Oh, well I suppose I shall get used to it. THere is really not a whole lot else for me to journal about today. Errands to run, places to go, people to see. I must be on my way. More later..... Read more! Read more!