In All Attempts To Keep Things In Running Order

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I really don't even want to write right now, but I feel an obligation to do so. I promised myself that I would not neglect this blog as I have done so with others in the past. Regardless of whether people read this or not it is important to me that I keep writing on here, so write I will. I go to great lengths to not go on and on about my personal relationships and not to delve into boring details but its almost as if I need to open up so here goes nothing. I've been rather abstract the last two weeks or so in my posts as I've tried to write about my relationship and how it's been suffering. I've tried to turn it into advice that may been useful to others. I've tried very hard to turn my pain into something that anyone reading it could possibly benefit from. Maybe because I first of all am private about my own life and second of all because I don't like to dwell on things and I like to try to find a use for everything. Right now though I am so overwhelmed that I can't help but bare my soul. I entered into this relationship almost a year ago with absolutely no expectations whatsoever, I was purely along for the ride. I had been hurt so bad in my last relationship that I never ever thought I could be happy with any guy ever again, but I was wrong. I soon found myself so happy and so in love I could barely believe it. It was like my world had changed. Little did I know it wouldn't last and so here I am sitting here absolutely heart broken that we can't seem to make this work and worse yet that he seems to see me as the main cause. I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe I'm hoping that seeing it on the screen will make it more real and I can accept it. I feel so alone and so lost. I just needed to post something and this is all I can think about. I'm sorry that I don't have anything better to say but I didn't want to not leave anything, me writing something is very important to me even if it's trivial. So thanks to anyone who actually read all this. Read more! Read more!

The Bases Are Loaded, I'm on Third Headed for Home In A Game I Didn't Really Wan't To Play

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Batter up, it's summer and baseball's in full swing and apparently so am I. But I've somehow signed up for games I don't want to play. Yep, that's right somehow I'm standing on third with the bases loaded and the pitcher's about to throw the ball. What choice to I have but to run and slide into home? I don't want to do it, I never wanted to play this game anyway, but I did. So like any ball player I'm gonna suck it up and play. Headed straight for that plate, headfirst into the dirt and hopefully I'll come up ok.
If this metaphor is leaving you confused don't worry I'm just as confused and trying to ease my mind. I've never actually slid into home plate but I think I'm about to and no I am not making a sexual reference in any way shape or form, that would be so much easier to explain.
I'm trapped just as if I were on third base and had no where to run but home, except its not my home and not my situation and not my problem. I feel as if my life has swung in a direction I can't control and all I can do is hold on and hope it ends up alright. And run, run for home even though I don't want to, but I guess I have to because sometimes we sign up for things that we didn't expect and the end results are different and now here we are sliding headfirst into the unknown. Will we be safe or will we be out? Will we win the game or will we go home second place? Where am I going? I can't stand on third forever and that pitcher is getting ready to throw and that batter is going to hit that ball and I have to run, because if I don't, well then, I suppose everyone else would just crash into me. You can't stand still, we move in life for a reason and that's what I have to do. If my baseball metaphor seems a bit scattered excuse me I'm running on lack of sleep and food and I've seen too many Cubs games and scores lately and everything is running together. Strike one, there won't be a strike two, I'm going to play now. Read more! Read more!

The River Does Run Wild Apparently Or So I Think.....

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Ok, I survived the outdoors. As if anyone was concerned that I really wouldn't make it. Here I go back into that valley girl tone again, I'm really trying to cut that out, really I am. It's worse than smoking or so I hear. Eight miles, one canoe and two kayaks and the process of me falling into the river three times I managed to come up, well soaking wet. I really don't think water sports are my thing. Or sports in general. But I tried it and thats what matters, right, right? Someone agree with me. Ok anyways, I'm home and I'm tan and I'm happy. Very tired but happy and I'm going to go on and write about something interesting now. Read more! Read more!

To Love Or Be Loved? We Really Should Do Away With Such Questions

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I realized that over the last week or so I've begun to come full circle on the relationship wheel. It's as if I've crashed and burned and then crashed and burned again and now I'm at point A again. So now the logical part of me realizes maybe that isn't quite full circle. I would like to believe it is though, I would like to believe I have something to offer the world in terms of relationship advice but I'm afraid I probably don't. I realize that I'm just twenty three years old and I don't know all that much about life or love or anything of the sort, but there are things I do know.
I traveled to England and France when I was eighteen and I was first introduced to the Love Is... comics in Paris's equivalent to the Subway. Touched by their simplicity and their honesty I took something out of that experience and it's stayed with me ever since.
Once again I really feel as if I don't know where to step and where to fall. At time I have felt so worldly and so on cue with the things going on around me. Then there are those times when that person or that thing can just knock the wind out of you and everything is out of place.
I think my point here is I don't know what love is, I don't know what its boundaries are, I don't know what it accepts, I don't know what it rejects. I don't know what it looks like and sometimes I'm not sure what it feels like. I know it's often hard to even say you love someone but sometimes I'm not even sure about that. Sometimes I wonder what the weight of our words are and what they carry. I just plain wonder.
It can be so easy to fall in love and often times harder to fall out of love. It's often times harder to talk about these things. I just wish there was an easy answer for a complicated thing, but that would be too easy. Besides I don't like things that are easy anyways. I think I'm running out of steam so I should end this. If you need a little reminder about the simplicity of love check out the Love Is page it puts a lot back into perspective.
Love Is...
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Sometimes I Wonder If I'm A Valley Girl Without Her Valley

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I am leaving the cave of my apartment for a few days to go on a bit of an adventure, which does mean prying myself away from this screen. I'd like to think I can get back to that place that I like to call the "real world" and no I don't mean the reality show. I've packed up my stuff and I'm headed off. I think a clearing of my head is in order. I'm starting to feel as if my life is in slow motion which I'm realizing as I write this is not the bad thing that I was thinking it was. Maybe it's just the lazy days of summer creeping up on me or maybe it's just me relaxing long enough to let myself breathe. Whatever it is I like it, it's as if I've finally cut myself a break and I can just be. I just hope this doesn't become the calm before the storm. I try to stay upbeat in my journal entries but sometimes my sarcasm just weasels its way in and I can't help myself so bear with me. Then again sometimes I can lose myself in a metaphor and I can't remember exactly where I was going to begin with anyways. I try to write things that other people would want to read, but then I remember that sometimes I have to write for me and if someone else finds it interesting they hey we both win. I don't really know if my life is interesting, I don't know if anyone's life is interesting, I've never idolized anyone, never, not in my whole life. I've never looked up to anyone, which as I write it I feel like it makes me look bad. As if I have no ideals, no goals, no ambitions. I just have always strived to be me and be who I am and to not be generic. Although one of my biggest fears is that I will become generic and I will be like everyone else because when you look at me I look just the same as anyone, but I think I'm not. I couldn't explain to you why I'm not and I really don't know why I'm sitting here writing about me. I could write about the war or AIDS or famine and poverty and trouble in the middle east but I write about me, just me. That makes me feel self centered and small and petty. Sometimes I don't know any better and sometimes I do. I feel I could do so much if I just knew how. Or if I just had the nerve to step over that imaginary line holding me back. Does anyone know that line I'm talking about? If I could just break out of this mold, if only.....if only..... Read more! Read more!

Glimpses of the past more like audio clips ringing through my ears

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I had some time to kill yesterday so I was wandering through some stores in my neighborhood. I went into this one store and I really cannot remember the name of it as I write this post. It was kind of a punk type store which was not unusual for the neighborhood I was in. Lots of skater stuff, stickers, postcards and the like. But what caught my attention was the music blaring out of the speakers. I heard a tune I hadn't heard in years and it brought me back in time. Now I really cannot remember the name of the song and I'm a bit blurry on who sings it. I'm torn between if it was Alkaline Trio or some local band whose singer I was in love with back when I was eighteen.
All I know is that it brought me back in time. Back to a place when I want to say life was simple, although it really wasn't. I kind of feel as if I am the narrator for the Wonder Years and I am looking back on my life to a soundtrack of music. This one song has brought me so far back even though it's only about five years. I can't believe I was that young and that impressionable and that fascinated with bands and people and places. If only that was me now.
Yet, I would never want to go back to that place. I really like the person I have become and I would never want to be eighteen again. Although I mentioned before some of the memories I have are turbulent some of them are bittersweet. Crushing on a boy in a band, late night phone calls, music that depicts your life. The good and the bad balanced each other out.
Now my life is more realistic and much more adult. It's like that music brought me back to a place where I still had a bit of childhood left in me and a bit of a yearning to be an adult. It was a stepping stone to where I am now.
It's nice to walk down memory lane once in awhile, but I would never go back. I like being an adult and I think I'll stay here, not as if I had a choice. Thank you's go out to that unknown store and that unknown band for giving me a bit of a memory. It made me realize just how far I've come and how far I can go. Read more! Read more!

Summertime........almost

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Well, I know I've been plugging summer for awhile but today is June first and that's pretty much officially summer for me. I couldn't be more excited. I'm really ready for this. I have about two months till I start school and I have to admit I'm a bit nervous . about that. The schedule starts early, eight thirty a.m to be exact, that's pretty early for me. Oh, well I suppose I shall get used to it. THere is really not a whole lot else for me to journal about today. Errands to run, places to go, people to see. I must be on my way. More later..... Read more! Read more!